IN DA CLUB

Recently, a friend (okay, my therapist), told me about this group called Mom's Club. It's a national organization that has chapters in literally every neighborhood and it's for stay at home moms; they have playgroups, mom's night out, activities, etc. Baby-Ko and I already go to a very popular Mommy & Me class every week (more on this one later for sure), but I thought it might be nice to get to know some other moms in my neighborhood since many of my baby-mama friend's live on the Westside (lucky bitches).

But this morning I started to have doubts about wanting to commit to something else, let alone a "Club." I've always had "groups" of friends, but never really joined a group or club that needed a label. Well, that's not true. In second grade, I started "The Reflex" Club. It was a group committed to making dance routines to Duran Duran and Wham during recess. I'm pretty sure I was the only member.

I wondered, as I slipped on my brown "fuicy" (fake Juicy) sweatsuit and tied a scarf around my unbrushed hair, if the Mom's Club had rules on dress or appearance. I remembered that the woman who was coordinating this "Meet & Greet" sent me some sort of RULES or waiver I needed to sign if I wanted to join Mom’s Club. Was it like:

"THE FIRST RULE OF MOM'S CLUB IS YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT MOM'S CLUB?"

The MCC (Mom's Club Coordinator) told me to meet at them at this outdoor shopping center- next to the pond. When I got there, I realized I had no idea who I was looking for. So I waited at table over-looking the pond and hoped that I would recognize these women by some sort of defining "club trait" - like purple hats or sorority letters. I fed Baby-Ko and just as I was about to leave, the MCC along with two other mom's and their kids came and introduced themselves. I don't know what it was, but I didn't get a great vibe from them.

I sat with them and made small talk while they ate their lunches, but when the MCC's 3 year old decided to DUMP rice on the ground to get the birdies to come, I knew that was my cue. I HATE BIRDS. No, seriously, it's a repulsion so deep that it teeters on crazy. As the birds started to gather, my heart started to race. I think I clutched Baby-Ko too hard and he whimpered. FINALLY. An excuse to leave, I thought.

"Oh, poor guy. " I said kissing Baby-Ko. "Are you so tired? Yes... You missed your nap today" I said loudly so they would hear me. But no one was listening. They were busy running after their kids who were chasing after the rats with wings (Dear God, I hope Baby-Ko never does that). This was my perfect opportunity to hit the road. But I knew it wasn’t polite to just leave without saying good-bye, so I figured I'd go order lunch (to go) and say goodbye after.

As I quickly stuffed Baby-Ko into the Snap 'N Go, one of their kids tapped me on the shoulder and said, "The Ducks are fighting in the pond over a baby duck."
"Oh... That's... really... wow..." I said not even looking up. Sorry, kid, but you lost me at "Duck."

I grab my diaper bag and just as I am about to make a break for it, I hear SCREAMING at the pond.
"Help!! Help!! Oh my god!” CHAOS HAS ERRUPTED. Children of all ages and parents are now gathered at the edge of the pond.
Someone shouts, "Do something! Do something!" I assume that one of the club member's unruly children has fallen in, so I quickly push the stroller over to see what happened.

I get to the pond and the next thing I see is the MCC – yanking off her shoes, tossing her baby to another mom and jumping INTO THE POND. All of a sudden, she YANKS out a TURTLE. Everyone SCREAMS.

The Turtle is EATING A BABY DUCK and the MCC is trying to pry it out of the turtle's mouth!

I vomit slightly in my mouth and turn away. This club is SOOOO not for me.

Now before you go calling me heartless, please understand that at this point, the scene was more reminiscent of a "When Good Times Go Bad" video than a heartwarming, educational "Crocodile Hunter" program. I turn again and see the MCC shaking the turtle and then look at all the children standing on the bridge screaming in horror and push Baby-Ko into the restaurant.

Inside the restaurant, I catch my breath and wonder how I will politely decline membership. As I wait for my order to go, two young boys (who had been standing on the bridge minutes earlier watching the scene unfold) stand next to their mother, who has a FABULOUS PURSE. I consider asking her where she got it but realize it would be in better taste to ask about the duck.

"Do you know if she saved the duck?" I ask.
The women shakes her head "no..." Her son adds, "The turtle ate it! It died!"
The other son adds, "Yeah, they threw it in the trash!"
"Ooh..." I say shuddering.
"You asked!" The mom says laughing.
***
Needless to say, I am not joining the save the duck/ mom's club. But if anyone is interested in “The Reflex,” we are currently taking new members...