EVERYONE'S LOST

Perhaps it's because mercury's in retrograde (I don't even know what that means or if it's true, but I felt like saying it), but once again the fa-fa-freeeeeeeaks were out at Target last night.  As I was dashing out of the store, I walked past a homeless man who appeared to be holding what looked like a margarita. Okaaay. Then, I heard someone talking (maybe even yelling) loudly in my direction.  I ignored it as the only thing on my mind was quickly getting home to kiss Baby-Ko.  The yelling got louder though. I turned.

An old couple that looked like they  had been plucked from central casting waved at me. "What city is this?"

"Huh?" I said, half understanding, half taken aback.

"What city is this?" 

I still didn't answer. What?! What city are we in?! I was trying to process this odd question.

The homeless margarita man (now outside), standing with the old couple shouted:

"WHAT CITY HE IN?!"

"Oh, uh. Los Angeles...?" I said  confused. 

"Thank you!" the trio shouted back.  Odd.  Not like we're in Podunk, Kansas. This is Los Angeles. Hollywood. Biiiiig city. But whatev...   and off I went to kiss my delicious little boy and his equally delicious dad.

**

Later that evening, as I devoured a delicious burger (from "Islands" thank you very much) and watched a bunch of "island" castaways try to figure out where the eff they were and why time kept changing, I realized I wasn't the only one completely LOST.....

A PERFECT MESS

I used to be a planner. Organized. On top of it. Type-A. Of course, I wasn't PERFECT, but in general I felt put together. Well today, I felt like the DISHEVELED FACTOR was at an all time high and it made me yearn for the old J-Ko... The J-Ko that didn't feel like a complete MESS....

I finally got in the shower at 2:30pm.

And I got out at 2:32pm.

I officially lost all my contacts on my cell phone. 

Apparently no one "can hear me now."

Target wouldn't take my return.

Apparently I've already maxxed out my return without a receipt quota. 

I got poop on my finger trying to change Baby-Ko's diaper amidst a temper tantrum. 

Yes. Poop.

They were out of brown rice at Trader Joe's.  

That's like Subway running out of subs.

The dry cleaners STILL didn't get the spot out.

Apparently they don't use SOAP at the "environmentally friendly" cleaners.

No matter how much I swept, Baby-Ko found at least 3 dust balls.

And he ate at least 5.

I hit a parked car. 

And did some damage.

Yes, today was "one of those days...."  

Of course, I did give Baby-Ko his first spaghetti and sauce and he loved it....

Now THAT, is a perfect mess...

FREAKS LIKE ME

I love Target. I love it like a drug. Give me an excuse to go there and I'm all over it. So tonight, when I decided that I should bake brownies to take to a friend's house tomorrow for a play date, and that we're out of diapers and wipes (oh, and napkins too), the red and white dartboard called to me.

Well, ever wonder where all the freaks in your neighborhood go on a Monday at 9:30pm? Well, look no further. They are at TARGET. That's right. Tar-jay. And I'm pretty sure the freaks from your neighborhood, contacted the freaks from my neighborhood and made plans to go to MY Target together.

The minute I pulled into the parking lot, I regretted the fact that I wasn't wearing a bra (or underwear) under my shlumpy get up. Maybe I'm too paranoid and growing up with a single mother has made me overly cautious, but my lovely little (huge, really) Target felt scary. Outside, there was a man holding a baby and screaming at his wife, a teenager defiantly pushed a cart into the lot not really caring who and what it hit, and an employee that looks like he was just fired (again)...

Inside, I grabbed a cart and surveyed the store: the "regulars" I normally see, (tired moms trying to keep their kids from melting down as they buy detergent) were no where to be found. Instead, weirdos roamed the aisles, making me wish I told T-Ko I loved him (instead of "can you do the dishes for once?") before I left.

I zipped through the store, and as always, managed to grab some other things I "needed." (Seriously, it was the perfect size plastic container). There were only four check out stands open, all with very long lines, about seven freaks deep. It was like a metaphor: Four Lines of freaks, which freak do you choose? I chose the line with the freak buying a suitcase, a hammer, and I'm pretty sure using traveler's checks. My other option was a line where a guy with jesus hair was talking to himself, buying hair gel and nuts (no, kidding).

$100 bucks later (how the hell does that always happen???), I sped out of the parking lot and headed home to my humble and SANE abode. I know I live in a very safe neighborhood and a safe city for that matter, but I'm a big scaredy cat and I guess having a baby heightens my awareness. So from now on, no more Tar-jay runs late at night. We'll stick to our normal day-time, Target routine. Besides, I feel a lot more normal when I'm shopping with other freaks like me....