WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG?

I don't know about you, but from the outside, my purses look fantastic. Reach your hand in though, and it's possible your fingers could get attacked by a Loch ness-goldfish crumbed-diaper-tampon infested-monster.

Last month, I got to the office, opened my computer bag and voila: I had a lovely pair of underoos and a Pinocchio book waiting for me. Really? I'm that disheveled??

Recently I shot this video below for Piccolini TV. I gave myself a mini purse detox and it definitely felt better. What they edited out was the 95 tampons that would make one think I have some sort of horrible reproductive period thing happening, which thankfully, I do not. (I'm guessing the brand isn't a big fan of period stuff. After all, Barilla is about pasta!) ANYWAY, I guess I sort of just let things pile up and told myself it's always best to be prepared. Sadly, being prepared when you're a busy mom like me can look cluttered and messy.

Am I the only one with a messy purse? What's the craziest thing you keep in your purse or have found in your purse lately? Tell me!

MANNERS MONDAY: APPEARANCE!

When one thinks of manners, they don't often think of APPEARANCE as registering on the "rude richter scale." But when you really think about it, it kind of makes sense. Your outward appearance speaks volumes and often sets the tone for how YOU feel about yourself.... And we all know the saying... if you don't feel good about yourself, no one else will.... Well, today my partner Lisa Gache and I explore this subject and talk about why maybe my mom uniform of yoga pants and an American Apparel pullover is sending the wrong message...

Manners Monday Appearance from lisagache on Vimeo.

Lisa's Tips:

Ø Moms, set your alarm so you have enough time to take care of yourself along with your family in the morning.

Ø In addition to laying out your children’s clothing, be prepared and lay out clothing (or makeup) for yourself the night before.

Ø Dress appropriately for the occasion. If you are going to the park, wear clothes that are not restricting and choose flats rather than heels. For a parent/teacher conference, a pair of slacks and a blouse make a nice statement. Dressing for the gym? Finish your look by adding a stylish casual jacket or sweater.

Ø Dedicate a quick minute or two for some careful grooming. Regardless of how rushed you are, wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, put on a bit of face cream, foundation, mascara and blush. You’ll be good to go!

Ø At the very least, maintain your poise and walk with good posture. Stand up straight with your shoulders back and move gracefully, heel toe, heel toe. This exudes confidence and strength.

Ø A smile makes up for everything. Even if you had minimal time to put yourself together, donning a smile endears you to everyone. (Just make sure you brushed those teeth!)

Speaking of appearance, let's get out of our yoga pants and in to something hot this Spring together! Join me at the Lucky Shops LA event on April 8th and 9th! Enter "PERFECT" in the Promo Code for a 10% discount on tickets!

MOMMY GUILT

As I get more and more entrenched in the "mom space," I'm starting to wonder if some moms have a stronger genetic predisposition to the "MG" (that's: Mom Guilt) more than others. Is it regional? Is it an age thing? Is it an environmental thing?

Until recently, I would say I was your quintessential Californian/ Westside neurotic mom. Perhaps it was a divorce, a full time job (in said "mom space"), and some personal drama sprinkled here and there that made me loosen the reigns... that made me able to laugh at myself more and truly embrace the "whatever works" attitude that I desperately wished I lived by. Of course, connecting and following other moms online, like our lovely panelists on Momversation, has helped the realization set in too: There is nothing therapy can't fix. No seriously, the realization that no one is perfect and all you can do is your very best... And truly, you'd have to be a pretty bad mom to screw them up pretty bad.

Anyway, someone sent me this video, and I thought it was too funny not to share. Do you have any friends like these? (Please don't say me!)

THE DIRTIEST MOMMY ON THE BLOCK

HELLLOOOOO. It has been a LONG time since I've posted. There's been a lot brewing in the world of J-Ko-- and it's been a little tough to find the time and "juices" to write-- NOT that there HASN'T been much to write about.... From my Baby-Ko's obsession with "Fuck!" (aka. "Hopkins" the FROG on "Signing Times"), to his brilliant three word sentence "I feeling it" (which he declared on Mother's Day as he fondled the clothes on every rack at Nordstrom), to the fact that I "blow my wad," so to speak, within the first five minutes of a walk with Baby-Ko because he devours every snack I've brought to bribe him to stay in the stroller....

But alas, Baby-Ko has discovered You Tube (not kidding) and I've got a few minutes to jot down my thoughts....

Remember when I was a SAHM and felt disheveled from head to toe? When my "uniform" was sweats and a tank, scarf in my hair and big sunglasses and maybe, just maaaybe a little concealer to hide the bags under my eyes (should I need to remove said glasses once entering fine establishments such as Target, Trader Joes, or Whole Foods)? And then I turned in to full time WM and had to get my act together (a little bit) on the appearance front-- handing Baby-Ko bangles and blush brushes to keep him occupied as I zipped off to work...?

Well, now I'm back. Disheveled is back. Not so perfect and certainly not very clean. On average, I shower every 1.5 days and am down to a Monday and Wednesday Hair washing routine. (Seriously, on a Monday or Wednesday, I could very well turn down plans with a "Oh, that'd be swell. But I've got to wash my hair" - and it'd be true!). These days I'm feeling grungier than ever and frankly, it's not all that terrible. Who needs to get dressed up to go to the park? Who needs to get dressed up only to have your 20 month old kiss and hug you, after feeding himself yogurt and avocado? Who needs to get dressed up if you don't even have time for a shower? Not me! Oh, no. I am happy to hang in my own filth. After all, I think a dirty mommy is a sign of a mom who's played hard and worked hard. In fact, I think the blue pen I noticed on my face after being out and about for HOURS says a lot about the kind of mommy I am.... Thanks to Harvey Karp, not only is Baby-Ko the Happiest Toddler on The Block, but he's got the THE DIRTIEST MOMMY ON THE BLOCK.

Speaking of which, I was invited by a neighbor to go to the park "with some of the other 'neighborhood' mommies." Turns out it is a Mom's Club thing, but she promises me that the mom's are all nice and kids around the same age.... Fortunately, there aren't any ducks or monster like turtles at this park, because we all remember what happened last time I was "In Da Club..." Wish me luck.... :-)

MOMS.... THEY'RE JUST LIKE CELEBS!

This weekend, I went to a charity event where there were quite a few celeb moms and their kids in attendance (I have told you how cool I am, haven't I?) Anyway, maybe its something about being a celebrity that automatically makes everything they do look so effortless, but I couldn't help but feel totally disheveled in their presence -- As they were enjoying the festivities, smiling for photo opps, and whisking around their children from station to station looking totally flawless, I was praying that my bangs didn't frizz and  making sure I didn't slip and fall on the ice (brought in just for the event),  and that no one saw me let Baby-Ko eat the cookie that he dropped on the hay. 

But then it occurred to me... all those "Stars... They're Just Like Us" photos we see in US Weekly, could easily be US! After all, WE go to Starbucks. WE get parking tickets. WE walk. 

Well, recently, I found these photos that I thought looked straight out of the gossip mags....

Moms... They play with their kids outside....

Dads... They push their babies in a stroller...

And who says being a parent can't be glam?

Do you have a "Mamarazzi" photo like these? Click HERE to enter the Mom Logic Community "Moms, They're Just Like Us!" Contest for a chance to win!

THE OLD BROAD

I knew that "the day" would come. The day when I would sound like an old washed up mom, who's seen her share of dirty diapers, colds and viruses, tantrums and toy trucks.... The day when I would sit back and look at some young girl on the brink of mommy-hood and shake my head, as if she has no idea what the hell she's in for... The day when I would feel like I had been doing this forever and can't even remember what it's like to not be a mom.... I just NEVER thought the day would come so soon. 

During a meeting today, somehow we were talking about food and the topic of macaroni and cheese came up... I don't remember exactly what it was that we were talking about but I overheard one of my coworkers, who's not a mom, say, "I'll never let my kid eat macaroni and cheese."  Record scratch. Wait, what? 

"Did you just say you'll never let your kid eat macaroni and cheese?" I said butting in. Clearly IIII must just be thinking about macaroni and cheese and she said I would never let my kid eat anthrax. That would make sense. 

"Yeah," she said, "It's so bad for you. I don't to feed that to my child."

And then I said it. A saying that put me in the frown line and mom jean category just by thinking it: "Just wait until you have kids. That will all change..." 

I sounded like Joey Tribiani's agent.  I might as well have had a cigarette dangling from my mouth and told her that if she "sticks with me, she'd go real far. Real far."

I mean, who am I? I'm only a mom of 14 months. I'm no expert. Hell, I haven't even figured out how to put my son to sleep without rocking him until he's passed out in my arms (Yes, we're working on that... in fact we're "sleep training" this weekend. But I'll save that for a whole 'nother post). And while I'm no shining example of all things Mom, her comment seemed so silly. So ridiculous. Obviously, if you're 32 and dealing with muffin top (hi, me), macaroni and cheese is probably a bad idea. But in my opinion, it's perfectly fine for a growing toddler. 

I can't blame my coworker though, I  used to say and think ridiculous things sometimes out loud) before I had a baby ...  (I won't tiptoe and whisper when he sleeps.... I'll never let him watch TV... I'm not going to let him crawl on the airport floor....)    Well, I learned my lesson. Shit changes and decisions and ideas that I was so self-righteous and sure about went "bye bye" real fast when I had a baby. But I guess part of becoming a mom is learning to never say never... My next step, learning how not to sound like one... 

PERFECTLY DISHEVELED

It's just too apropos... I'm sitting here in my pajamas, sipping cold/old coffee, writing this post, listening to MBMB (that's: My Boyfriend Michael Buble) on The Today Show, on the phone with yet another customer service rep, waiting for the sound of Baby-Ko to come over the monitor, wondering if I will have time to take a shower (and maybe pluck an eyebrow or two) AND do some research on child care..... I'm kind of a mess.

For weeks now, I've toyed with the idea of changing my blog name.... wanting to find a title and name that really summed up the essence of who I am.... All these thoughts swirled around... I used to be off the charts Type A; now it's a minor miracle if I can even REMEMBER where I put the "to do" list or if I even wrote one up for that matter... I used to think out "my look" before I left the house; now I'm lucky if the dress I'm throwing on with a pair of flip flops isn't noticeably covered in Baby-Ko's lunch (from yesterday)... FORTUNATELY, on the outside I think I seem pretty put together (as if the scarf in my hair due to lack of washing was intentional). Yes, me spilling my FIVE DOLLAR Iced Cappucino all over the floor of Anthropologie yesterday as I accidentally pushed Baby-Ko's stroller into a display is ALL PART OF "THE PLAN." wink wink.

SO, with Baby-Ko turning 1 in a few weeks, me turning 32 AND returning to work after a year of staying at home (which I'm totally excited yet utterly anxious about), I think it's time to embrace the new me, the changed me... the PERFECTLY DISHEVELED me.

I will miss "Bodice and Beem-Beem," (an ode to my imaginary friends). But, they are not going anywhere...
I may be disheveled, but my imagination will ALWAYS run wild...

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

As I sat at my desk, desperate to conquer some of my ever-growing, never diminishing "To Do List," I realized IT WASN'T GONNA HAPPEN.  It was 1:30. I hadn't even showered,  I hadn't eaten lunch, and I certainly hadn't called the woman to "handle the thing" (I assume in every marriage, someone always is obligated to call someone about "the thing." Right?)

I climbed out of the chair and sank to the floor,  strewn with random "toys" from my office... a remote control, a roll of tape, an old calculator and a giant stuffed Elmo.  I turned to Baby-Ko. He squinted and smiled from ear to ear. Finally, Mama. Didn't you realize 11 months ago that you'd never be able to do anything else but pay attention to me?  Jeez.

Feeling a bit defeated and saddened by the fact that my old "do it/ get it done fast" way of life is officially no longer, I decided to take Baby-Ko back out to living room, where his real toys are. All of a sudden, from the TV speakers I hear, "Welcome to Signing Time!" I remembered that I had recorded it (I usually have  the XM classical station on the TV playing softly) and the DVR must have switched over. 

I felt a little guilty as I pointed to the TV, encouraging Baby-Ko to watch. At first he didn't seem to care. Then all of a sudden, he zoned....


And zoned...

and zoned...

Within minutes, I was watching him from the kitchen, checking my voicemail(s), preparing AND eating my sandwich, and taking my first breath of the day. Am I a horrible mother? It's not the "evil" Baby Einstein at least, right? AND look, he's trying to mimic their signing! (Ironically, they were working on the sign for "TV.")  

After I scarfed down my sandwich and Baby-Ko discovered that the taste of the foam guard on the coffee table was more interesting than Hopkins, the signing frog, it was time to put Baby-Ko down for a nap...

I still haven't tackled the "important" stuff on my To Do list and I doubt that I'll be able to get it done tomorrow, or even any time soon for that matter... I'll try to embrace it... or at least take it as a sign...

A PERFECT MESS

I used to be a planner. Organized. On top of it. Type-A. Of course, I wasn't PERFECT, but in general I felt put together. Well today, I felt like the DISHEVELED FACTOR was at an all time high and it made me yearn for the old J-Ko... The J-Ko that didn't feel like a complete MESS....

I finally got in the shower at 2:30pm.

And I got out at 2:32pm.

I officially lost all my contacts on my cell phone. 

Apparently no one "can hear me now."

Target wouldn't take my return.

Apparently I've already maxxed out my return without a receipt quota. 

I got poop on my finger trying to change Baby-Ko's diaper amidst a temper tantrum. 

Yes. Poop.

They were out of brown rice at Trader Joe's.  

That's like Subway running out of subs.

The dry cleaners STILL didn't get the spot out.

Apparently they don't use SOAP at the "environmentally friendly" cleaners.

No matter how much I swept, Baby-Ko found at least 3 dust balls.

And he ate at least 5.

I hit a parked car. 

And did some damage.

Yes, today was "one of those days...."  

Of course, I did give Baby-Ko his first spaghetti and sauce and he loved it....

Now THAT, is a perfect mess...

HANDS-FREE. YEAH, RIGHT.

As if I wasn't disheveled enough, now I have to obide by the new HANDS-FREE LAW that became effective in the state of California TODAY. This law prohibits all drivers from using handheld wireless telephones while operating a motor vehicle. AWESOME. So instead of simply answering my phone, reaching back to give Baby-Ko a pacifier AND honk at the idiot who could have made ten left turns by now, (a sequence of events that I have so gracefully mastered in the past 9 months), NOW I have to find the EAR PIECE somewhere in the abyss that is my purse, answer the phone, reach back to give Baby-Ko the pacifier AND honk at the idiot who still hasn't turned left because SHE TOO is looking for her fucking ear piece.

Look, I realize the point of an ear piece is to have it in your ear always, BEFORE you actually need the phone, so you're not fishing around for it frantically WHILE you drive. But a) I think those people that walk around with their blue tooth in all the time look like douches and b) I have a hard enough time wearing small earrings without Baby-Ko trying to yank them out. AND YES, I realize that this law was designed to protect people and is probably going to save many lives, especially since it prohibits minors from texting (which I'm sure they are not "LOL"ing about). But for me personally, it's going to make life just a little more complicated... It's going to make me feel even more unorganized and unkempt than I already do.

So from now on, if any of you call me (mom), and I don't answer, do not take it personally. This time I'm not actually screening your call...

**
In other news, I am re-committing to working out again and dragged my fat ass to the gym this afternoon. Earlier in the day though, Brian Austin Green (a.k.a. David from the OG "90210") was in line behind me today at Koo-Koo Roo. He was with this really cute girl who Baby-Ko was of course smiling at and flirting with. When we both got up to the register she leaned in and said "Ooh! So Squshy!" I can assume she meant Baby-Ko and not my ass right???

NEVER SAY NEVER

If I had a dime for every time I used to say "When I have a baby, I will never ______" and then actually DO "the never" once I had a baby of my OWN, I'd be a very rich girl. Well, today, I think I managed to do every "never" I have EVER declared...

I had plans today to take my BFF to lunch for her birthday. I suggested we go to the Little Next Door because I have never been and because, let's face it, 3rd street is a hell of a lot cooler than Ventura Blvd. As usual, my 8 1/2 month old partner in crime was in tow. As I shlepped the diaper bag and the world's biggest stroller ever up the block, I prayed that Baby-Ko would put on his "city" face and play it cool for the next hour or so while mommy enjoyed her expensive salad and french pressed coffee with her friend. Of course, due to a top tooth cutting through, Baby-Ko was not so willing to play along.

As Baby-Ko fussed and squirmed in his stroller, then in my arms, then in my BFF's arms, I began to panic. He was on the verge of a major meltdown so I had to pull out all the stops and began to commit a series of "nevers" one after the next.... I let him play with utensils, I let him bang his maraca on the table, I let him eat cheerios to his hearts content, I let him play with an old bottle of water in my bag... But when those "toys" no longer interested him, I went into DEFCON 5 and gave him MY CELL PHONE. Despite the fact that it's probably made with lead paint AND the cover is missing ( completely exposing the lithium battery) my cell phone was, for a brief period, the ONLY thing keeping us from getting dirty stares.

Halfway through our meal, a very pretty, tall, tan mom (PTTM) walked in and sat down near us. She was there with her mom (I think) and her 16 month old daughter who immediately spotted Baby-Ko. When he saw the little girl, he immediately wanted to get off my lap and on to the floor where she was. He let out a huge screech and without even thinking about it, I sat him on the floor... The patio FLOOR of a fucking restaurant, where he pat, pat, patted the floor (like the bunny). For a brief second he was happy, making googly eyes at the girl and feeling free of my arms. But when the little girl wouldn't relinquish whatever little toy she had in her hands, he lost his shit again. SO, I picked him up and offered my cell, AGAIN. My BFF, who was probably embarrassed at this point, suggested we "maybe get the bill?"

After Baby-Ko threw (my now broken phone) on the ground for the 10th time, the PTTM shook her head said to me, "It makes you wonder why we do it..."
"Hmm," I laughed politely. Wonder why we do it....? I mean, I know she was commiserating, but I have to say, I have never "wondered" or questioned "why we do it"- why we have babies... I KNOW why we do it.
I do it because there is nothing more precious then feeling his breath on my cheek when he falls asleep in my arms...
I do it because his thighs are so delicious, I have to stop myself from taking a bite.
I do it because the sound of his giggle is infectious.
I do it because I have never seen anyone enjoy a cheerio so much.
I do it because despite the fact that I feel like I'm constantly disheveled, that I can no longer "do lunch" (certainly not in Hollywood anyway), that my tribeswoman tits are such pancakes that I might even enjoy a mammogram, and that my cell phone, aviators, AND iPod now belong to an 8 month old, I am completely and utterly in love.... and would NEVER trade it for the world....