THE SECRET ABOUT THE SECRET

Despite the fact that Oprah swears by it, and the rest of the world drinks the same Kool-aid too, I've never been entirely convinced that there is a "seeeeecreetttttt!" While I'm all for "living my best life," finding the time to motivate and go after what I want is a challenge in and of itself.... Um, which is why I could actually benefit from a self help/ find your inner blah blah blah book altogether....

After sharing a slew of anxieties with a friend, she suggested I read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose." She told me it will take some time to get in to it. That the beginning is "boring." But then, "it gets good" and it all starts to make sense. Well... (a whole) TWO pages and SIX months later, my life's purpose is still sitting on the dining room table...

But make no mistake. It is there .... that big, perfect, life of mine. I mean, it's really there... And it's good! It's happy and shiny and oh, so very well rested. It's skinny but healthy... It's up in the hills in a gorgeous, but perfectly kid friendly house.... by the beach. It's successful... creative and wealthy, and very on my own terms... out of my "home office..." But not sooo successful that I have to give up all that is near and dear and that my kid(s) never get to see me. Oh no, they see me. And it's not just in the morning during Sesame Street and milk... or after work (during Sesame Street and milk). I'm actually there and present, AND I give them macaroni and cheese NOT because of my lack of time (and zest for all things plucked from the farmer's market), BUT because they just want good ol' Kraft (not even the 365 brand).... and frankly, I'm so enlightened that I have come to terms with that and everything else that I cannot control.....

Okay. Fine. Let's not get crazy. I mean even the Dalai Lama knows that some macaronis are better than others. The point is.... my life may "be there", but it's not going to start being unless I go after it.

Welll, shiiiit.

Who needs philosophers and wisdom.

It's called Eat, Pray, Have a Two Year Old.

And if that ain't the secret to "The Secret," then I don't know what is.....

TWO WORDS

I know kids get sick, but come on!!! For 6 weeks- SIX WEEKS!!!- Baby-Ko's  had a nasty unexplained virus that's come and gone, ebbed and flowed, and disappeared and reappeared. This past Monday, my happy baby who's cough I thought was just "residual", went from point a to point sick within hours. Since Monday, we've had a trip to Urgent Care, a trip to the ER and a trip to the doctor. The diagnosis: a bad virus and a sinus infection. He seems to be getting better, but the frustration and sadness of listening to a 13 month old snore (when they're awake) because they can't blow their nose and the sight of an aspirator makes him bananas (and really does nothing anyway), IS TORTURE.  

I think the hardest part about it is the guilt I feel about not being able to "cure" him with my kisses and sooth him with my voice. And it's even harder to be away from him (at work) knowing that he's uncomfortable in any way. I know that this is just the beginning of many,  many sicknesses and rough times, but I hope that he catches a break soon.  We're all needing one at the 'Ko household= especially little guy.

There is one thing though that continues to impress, amaze and make me light up throughout all of yuck: Baby-Ko's growing vocabulary.  Earlier this week, after eating, he shrugged and lifted his hands and said "ah da" (translation: all done). The next day, he was squirming in my arms and said "dow mama" (translation: Down, mama). And the day after that, as I kissed him good bye to go to work he said, "bye-bye mama." (Translation: unnecessary). :-)

The point is, through all of the sleepless nights and coughing and sneezing there are joys and happy moments. I just wish we were "ah da" with the sick... Definitely ready to say "Bye-bye" to that...

ROLLING OUT THE RED CARPET

I had just had a busy day at work, dropped off/picked up baby from day care, put baby to sleep, sent out bills and washed bottles... As I sat down to finally catch my breath and inhale the world's most fattening tostada, I looked over to T-Ko who was digging into his tostada with one hand and controlling the remote with the other.

All of a sudden I felt like such an adult. Not sure what it was but it hit me. Excited by the feeling of being a real adult in a real marriage with someone I really love, I started to make small talk about my day.
"... so then," I said, with guacamole hanging out of my mouth, "they ordered breakfast burritos for everyone. I was so excited but I already brought lunch with me. So I just had a little bit then waited for lunch. But THEN-"
I look up. His eyes are not on me. They're are not even on his plate. They are on the TV. Aha, I should have known. Dodger Game.
"Um, you're not even listening are you?"
"No, babe. I'm not. This is my Oscars. My Emmy's. My red carpet. So, no. I'm not listening to you," he says unapologetically. Hmm. Just like that.

I get it. I do. The Dodgers are in the playoffs. It's huge. It's fun. It's HISTORY.
But I feel like he gets to have "his oscars" once a month... Basketball, Baseball, Football (omg. Don't get me started on football!), Hockey (he doesn't even like hockey)... It's always something. Me, I get the Oscars ONCE a year. The red carpet? Please! As if I have 4 hours at once now to sit down and watch the arrivals. Those days are over!

The point is, I realize my silly story about what I was eating at work certainly wasn't worth him breaking his trance during playoffs (or listening to at all, for that matter), BUT I just wonder if now that I'm fully committed with work and baby and life, if I'll ever get a chance to tune out and have my "Oscar" moment whenever I please...  If so, T-Ko, be prepared to walk the red carpet alone tomorrow at 6am. I'll be busy accepting my award....

GETTING ADJUSTED

For the first time in 12 months, I know what day it is. It's Wednesday. My third day of work, Baby-Ko's third day of day care, and my third day of some serious constipation. (Wait, that's a whole other issue). Anyway, the point is, it's been quite a week already and my mind is racing with all sorts of things...

I am happy to announce that I'm now a full time writer/ producer at MomLogic.com. I have been a "network affiliate" with them with my blog but now I'm actually working there. First of all, returning to work has been a hell of a lot easier than I thought, not only because I'm actually doing what I love and am busy all day long, but because I'm working with a group of mostly women who are smart, funny, and fantastically dressed (which, by the way, makes me realize I have no clothes), but that are moms! So the fact that I'm working for, and with, a group of women who completely "get it" makes being away from the baby that much easier to deal with.

What hasn't been easy is the logistics as far as picking up and dropping Baby-Ko off at day-care. Traffic is a nightmare and today, as I sat in bumper to bumper for AN HOUR AND A HALF on the 101, I literally had a melt down. I worried that I was abandoning him and how scary it must feel to have his mommy come so late and how hungry he must be... all of these horrible things. Ironically, I wrote a post today about how Day Cares get a bad rap. As I sat in traffic, cursing the gods for gridlock and for not making me rich enough to hire Mary Poppins as my nanny, it occurred to me that even if he was at home with a nanny, I'd STILL be feeling this anxiety and guilt... Day Care. Nanny. Doesn't matter. Both aren't me. 

Nonetheless, the show must go on and mommy's gotta make some dough. She's also gotta make a poop. But that may take some time... after all, I'm still getting adjusted....

THE NEW JAMIE OLIVER

Well, tomorrow's the BIG DAY... I start a brand new full time job and Baby-Ko starts day care (full time). It goes without saying that it will be a week of adjusting and transition. I'm going to do my best tomorrow not to cry when I drop off Baby-Ko. In fact, I might take this picture with me to keep me smiling...  

I knew this kitchen was worth it....

PERFECTLY DISHEVELED

It's just too apropos... I'm sitting here in my pajamas, sipping cold/old coffee, writing this post, listening to MBMB (that's: My Boyfriend Michael Buble) on The Today Show, on the phone with yet another customer service rep, waiting for the sound of Baby-Ko to come over the monitor, wondering if I will have time to take a shower (and maybe pluck an eyebrow or two) AND do some research on child care..... I'm kind of a mess.

For weeks now, I've toyed with the idea of changing my blog name.... wanting to find a title and name that really summed up the essence of who I am.... All these thoughts swirled around... I used to be off the charts Type A; now it's a minor miracle if I can even REMEMBER where I put the "to do" list or if I even wrote one up for that matter... I used to think out "my look" before I left the house; now I'm lucky if the dress I'm throwing on with a pair of flip flops isn't noticeably covered in Baby-Ko's lunch (from yesterday)... FORTUNATELY, on the outside I think I seem pretty put together (as if the scarf in my hair due to lack of washing was intentional). Yes, me spilling my FIVE DOLLAR Iced Cappucino all over the floor of Anthropologie yesterday as I accidentally pushed Baby-Ko's stroller into a display is ALL PART OF "THE PLAN." wink wink.

SO, with Baby-Ko turning 1 in a few weeks, me turning 32 AND returning to work after a year of staying at home (which I'm totally excited yet utterly anxious about), I think it's time to embrace the new me, the changed me... the PERFECTLY DISHEVELED me.

I will miss "Bodice and Beem-Beem," (an ode to my imaginary friends). But, they are not going anywhere...
I may be disheveled, but my imagination will ALWAYS run wild...

SILLY THINGS

It's here. The week that I've been dreading for almost 11 months.... On Tuesday, Baby-Ko will go in in for a minor, but necessary procedure in which he will have to "go under." It is minimally invasive and fortunately out-patient. But obviously, as a new mommy (or any mommy for that matter), the idea of your child undergoing surgery is terrifying. On top of the surgery (and an ear infection we've discovered he has too... poor guy!), I've also been a little stressed as I've come to the realization that staying home full time with the baby is just not that feasible anymore. So trying to wrap my head around the surgery, searching for the right job, AND trying to organize and host upcoming birthday parties, bridal showers, and just day to day "to-do's," has left me feeling a little overwhelmed.

In spite of my general state of stress, I realize that there is so much to be happy and unstressed about. So after reading a recent post on Go Nicole Yourself, I felt inspired to jot down a couple of "silly things" that also make me happy. While I do agree with Nicole that "making a really good doody" IS definitely up there with things that make me happy, I will spare you the details and discussion on just how delighted it makes me, and hopefully try to offer some other random J-KO happy-inducing thoughts....

1)  Listening to the monitor as Baby-Ko calls for me... "mama... mama!"

2) Coffee and Matt Lauer. Mornings are so much more bearable when I combine the two.

3) Wearing a tank top and accessorizing with a scarf.  In the summer. (I love L.A.)

5)  Poop/fart humor. It gets me every time.

6)  They know me at Whole Foods. I've got peeps at every counter. (Wait, that may actually be a bad thing).

7)  Knowing that Lucy is coming home!

8) Finding the perfect position within seconds of climbing in to bed... my arm between the two squishiest pillows, and my fluffy down comforter between my legs.

9)  Saying to Baby-Ko, "Can I have some?" and his sweet (and messy) attempt to feed me.

10)  Sprinkle Cookies.

and one more for shits and giggles, literally....

11) Being pooped on by a bird yesterday and not wanting to slice off my arm, but instead thinking of it as good luck!

:-)

AN OFFER I CAN'T REFUSE

Lately, I have been thinking about going back to work. But with a baby, there are so many factors to consider. I can't "just write" because, well, I can't " just get paid."  I can't go back to working in reality television because I worked 12 to 18 hours a day.  And I can't get a "real job" in finance or something like that because, well, I studied Acting in college.  I'm not screwed, I just need the RIGHT job (that gets me out of my sweats and tank tops and into normal people clothes again) to come along. 

Well, I got this email today and while it's greatly different from the "Job Opportunity" type emails I typically get from NYU Alumni, it does sound promising:

Dear Friend,

I have a project I want you to run with us. It involves exportation of 100,000 barrels of crude oil daily from Kirkuk, Iraq.

If you are interested, email me via: ******.com

Mr. Yan.

****

Dear Mr. Yan,

Thank you so much in your interest in working with me. I know very little about crude oil but am intrigued by the position nonetheless. I have a few questions regarding the position and hope that you'll be able to provide me with some details:

1) Can I "run" crude oil from home?

2) I will need about an hour (every half hour) to do something "baby related," will that work for you?

3) Can I have Thursdays off? I have a pre-existing obligation in which I cannot get out of. (Also, Wacky does not give refunds).

4) Do you offer health benefits? I've only had one abnormal pap.

5) Will crude oil ruin my nails? I recently got "pink and whites" and it wasn't cheap.

Once again, I appreciate your email and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,

J-Ko

***

I of course told T-Ko about this exciting job opportunity and he said if it means we won't have to pay $89 bucks to fill up my car anymore, I should take it and added, "Kirkuk's nice in the fall." 

You're right, babe. PLUS, it would mean I could actually wear all those cute work clothes just sitting in my closet. This MIGHT be an offer, I CAN'T REFUSE...