PERFECTLY DISHEVELED

It's just too apropos... I'm sitting here in my pajamas, sipping cold/old coffee, writing this post, listening to MBMB (that's: My Boyfriend Michael Buble) on The Today Show, on the phone with yet another customer service rep, waiting for the sound of Baby-Ko to come over the monitor, wondering if I will have time to take a shower (and maybe pluck an eyebrow or two) AND do some research on child care..... I'm kind of a mess.

For weeks now, I've toyed with the idea of changing my blog name.... wanting to find a title and name that really summed up the essence of who I am.... All these thoughts swirled around... I used to be off the charts Type A; now it's a minor miracle if I can even REMEMBER where I put the "to do" list or if I even wrote one up for that matter... I used to think out "my look" before I left the house; now I'm lucky if the dress I'm throwing on with a pair of flip flops isn't noticeably covered in Baby-Ko's lunch (from yesterday)... FORTUNATELY, on the outside I think I seem pretty put together (as if the scarf in my hair due to lack of washing was intentional). Yes, me spilling my FIVE DOLLAR Iced Cappucino all over the floor of Anthropologie yesterday as I accidentally pushed Baby-Ko's stroller into a display is ALL PART OF "THE PLAN." wink wink.

SO, with Baby-Ko turning 1 in a few weeks, me turning 32 AND returning to work after a year of staying at home (which I'm totally excited yet utterly anxious about), I think it's time to embrace the new me, the changed me... the PERFECTLY DISHEVELED me.

I will miss "Bodice and Beem-Beem," (an ode to my imaginary friends). But, they are not going anywhere...
I may be disheveled, but my imagination will ALWAYS run wild...

SILLY THINGS

It's here. The week that I've been dreading for almost 11 months.... On Tuesday, Baby-Ko will go in in for a minor, but necessary procedure in which he will have to "go under." It is minimally invasive and fortunately out-patient. But obviously, as a new mommy (or any mommy for that matter), the idea of your child undergoing surgery is terrifying. On top of the surgery (and an ear infection we've discovered he has too... poor guy!), I've also been a little stressed as I've come to the realization that staying home full time with the baby is just not that feasible anymore. So trying to wrap my head around the surgery, searching for the right job, AND trying to organize and host upcoming birthday parties, bridal showers, and just day to day "to-do's," has left me feeling a little overwhelmed.

In spite of my general state of stress, I realize that there is so much to be happy and unstressed about. So after reading a recent post on Go Nicole Yourself, I felt inspired to jot down a couple of "silly things" that also make me happy. While I do agree with Nicole that "making a really good doody" IS definitely up there with things that make me happy, I will spare you the details and discussion on just how delighted it makes me, and hopefully try to offer some other random J-KO happy-inducing thoughts....

1)  Listening to the monitor as Baby-Ko calls for me... "mama... mama!"

2) Coffee and Matt Lauer. Mornings are so much more bearable when I combine the two.

3) Wearing a tank top and accessorizing with a scarf.  In the summer. (I love L.A.)

5)  Poop/fart humor. It gets me every time.

6)  They know me at Whole Foods. I've got peeps at every counter. (Wait, that may actually be a bad thing).

7)  Knowing that Lucy is coming home!

8) Finding the perfect position within seconds of climbing in to bed... my arm between the two squishiest pillows, and my fluffy down comforter between my legs.

9)  Saying to Baby-Ko, "Can I have some?" and his sweet (and messy) attempt to feed me.

10)  Sprinkle Cookies.

and one more for shits and giggles, literally....

11) Being pooped on by a bird yesterday and not wanting to slice off my arm, but instead thinking of it as good luck!

:-)

SEX AND THE SHOES...

With my five year anniversary approaching next week, I have been racking my brain trying to think of a great gift for T-Ko (preferably one that doesn't involve killing hookers). And considering that I just spent a small fortune on the said XBox 360, I would love to find something that doesn't break the bank and/or lead to future marital problems...

Well, ironically, this morning on the Today Show there was a follow up segment about this couple who wrote a book about having SEX 101 DAYS IN A ROW. Yes, in a row. No excuses. No ifs, ands, or "butts." As I listened to the couple brag to Meredith Vieira about their sex life, I noticed how happy and glow-y they both looked. The wife looked like she had just returned from a tropical vacation and the husband looked like he was ready to do his wife right then and there. Then I noticed the chyrons on the bottom of the screen: "Frequent Sex = Better Sleep".... and "Frequent Sex= Fewer Colds or Flu." Seriously?? I want to sleep better. I want to feel better. I want to look better. Can frequent sex also help lift my tribeswoman tits? I mean, these people were making sex sound like a miracle drug. Count me in.

I was about to pick up the phone to call T-Ko to tell him he was about to get the best anniversary gift of his life, when reality struck and annoyance set in. The couple was talking about making the effort to have sex (despite exhaustion or something like that) and the husband said "... but an hour later, when we were done...." - WHOAH. Hold up. ONE HOUR? Really??? One WHOLE hour? Like from start to finish?? Does that INCLUDE foreplay and the essential trip to the bathroom afterwards? One hour? Really. Good for you. Good. For. You. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Then suddenly, my attention shifted. The camera went wide and I noticed Meredith Vieira's SHOES. Ooh. Where do I know those shoes from? The peep toe... the high high heel... the red sole... Ahh, yes. Christian Louboutins... I stared at them for a good 2 minutes yesterday at Nordstrom... Now THOSE would make a great gift. After all, there are SOME things that are better than sex.....

THE POOP MACHINE

Yesterday, as I sat praying that my 3rd cup of coffee would stir a little somethin' up in the ol' bowels, I caught a story on the Today Show that once again sort of shocked me. Ironically, it was about a woman who runs a potty training program out of her house called "Booty Camp." I won't go in to a lot of detail about this woman's methods, but I will say this: Bitch Ca-Razy! Okay. Literally imagine 3 year olds, with their pants DOWN, sitting next to each other on beginner potties in a ROW, in THE MIDDLE of some lady's kitchen. Their parents are watching and being given "tools" to help encourage and train their kids to use the potties. Meanwhile, the lady gives the children the saltiest, sweetest, shittiest (no pun intended) food and drink you can imagine because she claims the salt and sugar will speed their bladder and "soften their bowels." Some leave successful, some leave with crap still in their pants, and some leave with crap on the floor (literally, they have to help clean their mess off the floor if they have an accident).

I don't know. Potty training seems like something that should be done at home or at preschool where a child's "potty" readiness is treated on an individual basis. Fortunately, we're ways away from having to think about potty training Baby-Ko. Besides, Baby-Ko has his own system in place and has created his own personal little bathroom and toilet area: The Evenflo ExerSaucer, a.k.a. The Poop Machine. I don't know what it is, but EVERY TIME we put Baby-Ko into it, without fail, he poops! If they only made a machine like that for adults, I'd sure cut out A LOT of caffeine....

Behold BABY-KO & THE POOP MACHINE. Oh, and the very first picture ever posted on my blog...

Mission Accomplished!

JUST A SPOONFUL OF GREY'S

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I am kind of a hypochondriac. Aside from the fact that I lost interest after Doug Ross & Dr. Greene left the show, I had to stop watching ER because by the end of the episode, I had every condition they were treating (including the injuries from car crashes). Thank god, these days, my hypochondria seems to be at an all time low. I'm not sure if having a child has "cured" it, or "Grey's Anatomy" isn't really a medical drama, but I am certainly enjoying living without a "disease du jour."

However, I could NOT believe my ears this morning when I heard an interview on The Today Show with a woman named Jennifer Buettner and her husband Dennis. Apparently, after taking care of a niece that was constantly complaining of being sick, Jennifer decided the best way to cure the little girl's hypochondria was to give her "a pill" that would make her feel better and take whatever was ailing her away. SO, after Jennifer gave her a Motrin to pacify the kid, she got to thinkin'... I should create a FAKE pill to make kids feel better when they feel bad, ONLY, it won't be real. We will trick them!!!

That's right, folks. Jennifer and her (shouldn't be wearing a striped shirt on television) husband invented a PLACEBO PILL FOR CHILDREN that parents could give their kids when they have a non life threatening illness and medical attention isn't necessary, and they want to make their kids "feel better."

HOLY SHIT!!! This is wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin!!

1) First of all, as a former/current hypochondriac, I can tell you the last thing I want when I'm "sick" is a pill. Most hypochondriacs I know (okay, just me) are scared of pills. I would never take ONE PILL that would supposedly cure me of a tumor AND kidney stones. I'm not a sucker. Speaking of sucker, let's address issue number 2: LYING TO KIDS.

2) Whether your kid is truly sick or just "sick" (and probably just really needs a hug or attention), why would you ever use medicine as a tactic to TRICK THEM?? With the incidences of accidental overdoses in homes with children so high, why would you ever confuse a child and/or risk them finding out that their medicine is just "candy?"

3) I don't know about you, but giving my baby medicine is always a LAST RESORT. If I have to give him medicine, even Infant Tylenol, it means he is SICK and that the ONLY way he will get better is if he takes the medicine. In an already over prescribed and over medicated society, I think it is so dangerous to encourage children to think that a pill is the answer to everything. Hello, little pill poppers!

4) Finally, have you ever known of a child to ASK for medicine?? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe, if Julie Andrews flew down and gave him a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down, Baby-Ko could be swayed to swallow his meds without freaking out. But most likely, he will always resist. And I can't blame him.

Look, I know I'm only 8 months in and no expert in the world of all things "Parent," but I am happy to announce that Jennifer and Dennis' placebo pill will not be making it into the J-Ko household.

I'm also happy to announce that I just finished watching the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" and I'm pretty sure the tingling I have in my stomach is just gas and not 3 tons of quick drying cement slowly crushing all of my vital organs. Now, I can guarantee you, they don't make a pill for that!

MOMNESIA'S A BITCH

I wish I had something wildly entertaining to write about but unfortunately nothing has happened in the past few days that I feel warrant a post.... Plus I think I have a terrible case of "Momnesia." Seriously. Ever since I saw the report that women become forgetful after having a baby on the Today Show, my Momnesia has been in full affect. (Come to think of it though, I do remember their set that day and loving the Jonathan Adler vase behind the couch....)

ANYWAY, at my last Mommy & Me class, the lecture was about introducing table foods to the babies. WACKY made us stand in a circle and repeat this how-to-save-your-baby-from-choking mantra like 16 times. We repeated it after her like school children and then she said "say it again... again, AGAIN...!!!" Being the wise ass that I am, I cracked a smile and I don't think Wacky appreciated it. She had us pretend what to do in case they were choking. She told us she'd come around the circle to each of us to see if we were doing it properly. Maybe she was secretly punishing me for not taking the mantra seriously because when it was time for me to demonstrate with Baby-Ko, she had her assistant check my "Choke hold." With all due respect, I think I'd prefer to get my life saving skills checked off by Wacky herself. Isn't that what I pay top dollar for??? BUT the JOKE is, I CAN'T even remember the fucking mantra for the life of me!!! Seriously, I got in the car after class and racked my brain trying to remember it.

Turn the baby over and hit them.... NO.
Upside down and on the back... NO.
Upside down, boy you turn me... NO.
911... NO.
Call Wacky???... Hmmm. Probably not.

Well, I guess I'll just have to watch Baby-Ko like a hawk when I give him "Yam/ Cheerio Pillows." (Yes, that's my newest creation. He refuses to eat ANYTHING EXCEPT cheerios. So I have to cram pieces of cheese, fruit, yams, etc, on to the cheerio to trick him). Who knows, maybe they'll do another report on the Today Show on how to get your babies to eat AND safe their lives in the process. I just hope I remember what they say instead of the remembering that I've seen Meredith Vieira in that Tory Burch dress before. Apparently Momnesia is selective....