SPRING TRAINING... MINUS THE TRAINING.

Ah, it's March and that means Spring is in the air... Actually, here in Los Angeles, Spring was in the air in December and pretty much all through January...  and I'm pretty sure I spotted Summer one weekend in February.... So forget the air part. It's just March. And that means a lot of things...

For starters, for the past couple of years, every March I seem to make it my mission to cleanse. I want to clean house. To clean body. To clean mind. Without fail though, having just spent the two months prior to March making excuses, mentally, as to why postponing all my "cleansing" resolutions is probably better in the long run, the LONG RUN actually catches up with me and I find myself high tailing it into "time to get your sh*t together" mode come March 1st.

So here we are. And hey, so far, so good.

Here's the current state of affairs:

1. Body

I did actually cleanse. Kind of. 

Thanks to an extremely popular juice company that offers individual juices, or 3 or 5 day kits, I signed up for a 5 day cleanse. By the end of day two though, I must admit, I was beyond ravenous and couldn't stop thinking about hummus. Go figure, hummus, of all things. Not one to talk myself off ledges, I caved in and cut up a cucumber (how bad can a cucumber be), and dipped it (okay, COVERED IT) in hummus. Craving satisfied.... Next day, however, I had to be on set for a project I was working on with Lifetime Moms and realized I had only taken two juices (out of 6) with me for an entire day. One of the models on set suggested I just drink lemon and hot water for the rest of the day and/or see if the caterer could just blend my food... so it would be kind of like juice/fluids. Um.... I'm gonna let you sit with that one and give you the opportunity to imagine how much that did NOT happen and how much I was seen grazing at the craft services table for the rest of the day.

2. Mind

It turns out, "poop talk" can help with literacy.

A month or two ago, I was in sort of a disciplinary standoff situation with Jonah. He was constantly silly, constantly using bathroom language, and even talking back. I had to figure out a way to get back to the consequence basics and figure out what I could take away that was his Kryptonite. (Turns out, not much phases him).

However, one day, I got a report from his teacher that he had been talking back. Apparently, he remarked that what they were going to be doing was "stupid." I died. Read the whole story here. 

Things have calmed down since then and his behavior has shaped up. Not sure if it's my new-found resolve, or a miraculous maturity development for him,  OR the fact that he had been begging to get hot lunches at school and I told him that if I get a week straight of a perfect report, I'd let him get it. So... The good news: We're in the 2nd week of hot lunch land and therefore, mornings are now a breeze for me. The bad news: They serve f**king ice cream. I'm telling myself the organic part makes it better. But I digress...

He was recently given a few books from the Captain Underpants series and when I first read one to him, and he nearly choked laughing so hard, I thought.... Hmm. Maybe not the right book for a kid that has a hard time holding back the fart, poop, pee talk. At dinner. 

But... last night, he begged me to do a mad libs type section of one of the books and I thought of an idea. 1) If he takes this silly talk outside of this dedicated silly talk time, he loses UNO (our favorite family activity), electronics, TV, and all of these books. At the same time. For one week. 2) He needs to sound out the words and try to read to ME.

Turns out POOP is a wonderful word to teach early language development and reading skills. He nailed it.

3.  House

I stopped caring about having an organized closet.  I blame this on the long episodes of Downton Abbey. There's more important things to focus on...

It's hard to believe that exactly 2 years ago, I met Robin Saperstein of High Heel in a Haystack, she helped me with a Wardrobe Overhaul, then sent me on my way with a ton of outfit options (from my own closet!)  Since then, I've updated my wardrobe cautiously and done my best to keep my closet tidy. But hey, life gets busy and Matthew Crowley and Lady Mary get married and the whole thing goes to poop. (See #2). So, it was time to call on my girl and have her come over and remind me why certain jeans should be left in 2011.

In about 3.5 hours, I had a completely new and organized closet, and could see what I was workin' with. (Before and after pic above).  According to Robin, I'm actually all set for Spring ... AND we even shopped my closet and reinvented some clothing. Why say goodbye to my very first and favorite JBrand jeans with the big gaping holes in the knees, which I've already had patched to create a semi distressed look, when I can have them repatched and destressed AGAIN?! Additionally, Robin recommended I take a cute purple dress from JCrew and have the it shortened, and the trim brought up to give it a fresh and current look. Not bad for a total of $36 bucks right? ("Before" pics taken at the Tailor's. Dress pinned. Forgive the "selfies.").

All in all, Spring is off to a good start. I'm heading to Seattle this weekend with P on behalf of the 2 Days in Seattle Campaign (SO excited) and next week, the story featuring that mysterious trip I took in November will be featured in Ladies Home Journal. Did I mention Tina Fey is on the cover? Feeling pretty lucky right now. Forget New Year's resolutions. I love March.

READING MATERIAL

This is the reading material my 3.5-year old would like to keep on top of the facilities....

It's official. I live with a boy.

THANKS, FREUD

As best as I can, I will try to not make this another blog post about poop. I will say, however, I'm starting to think that Jonah's constant potty talk isn't just impart to his age. But rather, much like Degas' fascination with ballet dancers, there is an underlying theme to my young artist's budding imagination and visions. Perhaps his bowel movements, or lack thereof, are on his mind, as much as they're on mine....

Take these series of drawings if you will....

When asked what he was drawing, he said matter of factly, "They are squiggly circles."

And then I saw this picture, drawn at school and dictated to one of the teachers.

Look people, I'm not trying to get too heavy but clearly, J's obsession with "squiggly circles" and recurrent severe constipation is no joke. Jonah is clearly amidst what Freud dubbed as the "Poop Phase." Well, I dubbed it the Poop Phase. Freud actually calls it "The Anal Stage." Scholar.

Here's what it is:

At one and one-half years, the child enters the anal stage. With the advent of toilet training comes the child's obsession with the erogenous zone of the anus and with the retention or expulsion of the feces. This represents a classic conflict between the id, which derives pleasure from expulsion of bodily wastes, and the ego and superego, which represent the practical and societal pressures to control the bodily functions. The child meets the conflict between the parent's demands and the child's desires and physical capabilities in one of two ways: Either he puts up a fight or he simply refuses to go (<---THAT'S JONAH!!).... A child may opt to retain feces, thereby spiting his parents while enjoying the pleasurable pressure of the built-up feces on his intestine. If this tactic succeeds and the child is overindulged, he will develop into an anal retentive character. This character is neat, precise, orderly, careful, stingy, withholding, obstinate, meticulous, and passive-aggressive. The resolution of the anal stage, proper toilet training, permanently affects the individual propensities to possession and attitudes towards authority. This stage lasts from one and one-half to two years.

http://www.victorianweb.org/science/freud/develop.html

While I'm slightly concerned that he'll grow up to be "obstinate" and "anal retentive," I think it's much better than the other kid who poops a lot. " ... an anal expulsive character. This character is generally messy, disorganized, reckless, careless, and defiant."

Anyway, for now, I'm happy to be be in the Anal Stage of life. Apparently up next is The Phallic Stage. And that is one phase I'm definitely not ready for...

INCEPTION: PRESCHOOL STYLE

Though bedtime has become a battle in my house as of late, there are actually a few sweet rituals that have little to no hysteria-three year-old-hostage stand-off- negotiation type qualities. One of those rituals happens to be a discussion about dreams... After I've told him a story about how houses are built in a factory run by five men named Bob, Steve, Joe, Fred, and Roger (don't ask), I rock him in the chair and tell him to have sweet dreams. Of course, conversation ensues...

J: What should I dream about, Mommy?

Me: Tonight, you should dream about chocolate chips, rainbows and Giraffes who play the violin---

J: No, no, no, Mommy. I'm going to have a different dream.

Me: Okay...

J: I'm going to dream about chocolate chips, rainbows, and fast, fast planes that go like this-shhhh shhhhh-shhhh- zooom! (he almost pokes out an eye).

Me: That sounds like a good dre---

J: But, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Me: Yes, love?

J: What will you dream about?

Me: Oh, I'm going to abouuuuut.... Mint chocolate chip ice cream, beautiful green trees, and----

J: No, no, no, Mommy. You can't dream about that. You have to dream about, um, um, um...

Me: Yes?

J: You have to dream about shooter guys-

Me: Shooter guys? That's scar-

J: NO! Mommy! You have to dream about shooter guys, a house factory, and marshmallows.

Me: Okay. Is that all.

J: Yes. That's all.

Me: Well... That'll be an interesting dream.

J: But, Mommy...?

Me: Yes?

J: You know what would be so coooo-uuuhhhll?

Me: What???

J: If you were in my dream.

M: Yah. That would be cool. You can dream about me.

J: Mommy, you could have the same dream... what I'm dreaming mommy, if you want.

Me: You want me to dream about the same thing as you?

J: Yah. You can, Mommy. You can do it. If you want, Mommy. You can have my dream.

Me: That's very sweet. Thank you. I love fast, fast planes.

J: Not fast fast planes mommy. Poop. You can dream about poop. It's very funny.

Me: Oh. Yes it is.

J: Do that mommy, dream about poop.

I think I just got "incepted."

HE TRACES. BIG WHOOP?

In one of my many Wacky's classes, we were told that telling a child how "good" they were or how amazing everything was that they did would actually be damaging. "Don't label your child," Wacky would say. Instead of them doing a "good job" when they built a tower of blocks, you should praise them for their efforts... their concentration... their architectural ingenuity. Blah blah blah.

Here's the thing, to some degree, Wackidoo has a point. If you're constantly telling a child that they're good, when they do something not so good, they will feel bad. And apparently, there's something wrong about a child considering themselves to be "bad." (like they turn into serial killers or something. I have no idea). Anyway, I totally understand how too much praise can actually lead to a child having little self confidence-- if their focus is on a result and on a reaction (from a parent). However, as a parent, I find it soooooooo difficult, especially during these developmentally magical and slightly crazy making years, to not kvell over his every move.

For instance, today we (he) spent about 30 minutes tracing in a new book Grandma L got him. Initially, he wanted my help as he didn't think he could do it (and wasn't entirely comfortable or sure how he wanted to hold the marker). After a few tries though, he was on his own and tracing all the pictures. Now, I only know what my 3 year old is doing so maybe it's not so impressive, but to ME, I was floored by his tracing ability. I found it hard not to "Wow" and "That's so great, Jonah!" him with every stroke.

Do you think everything your child does is magic? How much praise for a child is too much?

... I mean, I was so proud of him, I decided I'd film some of it to send to grandparents and great grandparents who I know would be equally proud of their budding artist, Rhodes Scholar, and future Justin Bieber. (Being a pop culture icon is just as impressive as studying at Oxford these days, isn't it?) Of course, it didn't take long until the 3 year old interested in all things poop became entirely DISINTERESTED in mommy's praises....

I'll have to figure out a different way to label this sort of behavior.... ;-)

Hey! BTW, we're giving away $150 on Parents Ask to Amazon. Leave a comment on the video, telling us your favorite children's book and you'll be entered to win. Oh and ignore my iphone in the shot. I promise it's not next to me during "quiet, reading time." ;-)

EVERYTHING'S COMING UP POOP.

Considering I think farts are the funniest things in the world, and would be happy to share my own bowel history and issues with anyone willing to listen, I suppose it should come as no surprise that my son may have a genetic predisposition to an excitement and interest in "potty talk."

Pretty much every other word these days is "Poop." I'm not kidding you, he weaves it into every story, every thought, every answer, and every scenario.

Me: "Jonah, would you like eggs or oatmeal for breakfast?"

J: "Um, I would like... Eggies.... aaaaaaand poop!"

Me: (Lights out. Story time). "Would you like to hear the story about William climbing the tree or William going to the moon?"

J: "Um, I would like to heaaaaaar.... The story about William, taking a big, big poop."

Me: (At park). "Let's put more sand on the castle."

J: "No, let's take a poop on it."

Me: "Jonah, please pick up your lunch box. It's time to leave."

J: "Okay! I'm ready to poop!"

Me: "Please do not bang the broom against cabinet."

J: "Oh, ok. Poop."

Here's the thing though, this might entirely be my fault. Frankly there are times, my brain is so fried, and he asks me a question or demands something, and the only thing that comes to mind is one word: POOP!

J: "Mommy, why do snakes shed their skin?"

Me: "Um, um, because they need to get rid of skin in order to..... (pause. I got nothin'.) um, um... Poop." (WHAT?!)

J: "Mommy, I NEED that toy!!!"

Me: "I need that poop." (REALLY?!)

And it probably didn't help that a few weeks ago, he put on his superhero cape that Mimi made him and said, "Look Mommy, I'm a Super Hero!" and I said, "You're my Pooper Hero!" to which he fell on the floor laughing and asked me to say it fourteen times in a row. (Doesn't being the funniest mom count for something?)

Certainly the time Auntie Alli made up the "get the poop out song" during a week long stand off with constipation (his, not mine) didn't make matters better either. To this day, we sometimes sing that song for no good reason. It really is quite catchy.

But I promise-- I've tried to curb the poop talk and make it clear that "this is not appropriate conversation for the dinner table/ library/ playdate/ Yom Kippur, etc." Please. You know what Jonah's response was today on a play date, as he was shouting "poop" like like had Touret's???

Me: "Jonah, enough of the poop talk. Please choose other words."

J: "Okay. (beat) PEE!!!"

Great.

SO, tell me, Is this normal? How do I stop the madness? Do I ignore? Do I punish? I need help!

Yours truly,

Jonah's mom aka sh*t for brains.

CHEER FOR ME

There are a lot of transitions happening in the world of J-Ko right now... Transitions can be hard. I'm learning to gather strength and encouragement from within and it ain't easy.... Learning to be your own cheerleader is definitely empowering. And at some point, I do plan on talking about these transitions. But for now, I would like to focus on one major transition... okay, well, two...  

The first is that I'm sending Baby-Ko back to day care full time. It's a no-brainer, actually.... choosing day care over a full time nanny. First of all, a full time nanny in LA costs a friggin fortune and second, Baby-Ko is 21 months and definitely is ready for socialization. On top of it, I'm sending him to an in-home day care that has been in business for over 30 yrs, is run by A.R., one of my best friend's mothers AND, I went there myself when I was Baby-Ko's age. Again, no brainer. That all said, we're transitioning him in gradually and given the fact that, well, my boy loooves him some mama, saying good-bye when I drop him off, hasn't been easy. Each day, he's doing better and better, but the initial "no mommy no" when I leave is definitely heart breaking. What gives me hope is how happy all the children are there, and how they all seem to play so well together.... I know he'll be just fine.

In the meantime, I've bought Baby-Ko his very own potty. In fact, the rumor on the (Westside) street is that it's a potty that Wacky endorses. It's the Fisher Price "Cheer For Me Potty" and it apparently makes noise when the pee hits the pot. I'm not quite sure how to formally do the whole potty training thing, but I know that I will for sure not "oof off" during his poops and I won't push it unless he shows some interest. But let me tell you, he definitely shows an interest. In fact, it's his favorite new toy and he even dragged the Sunday newspaper in to the bathroom with him and sat down on the toilet.  (I'm not even making this up. Seriously. It was the best thing I ever witnessed, really). Anyway, little by little I will test out the waters (or urine for that matter) with the whole peeing on the potty thing. Poop is way down the road, but at least Baby-Ko will get positive reinforcement from a singing toilet, and of course a very proud mommy, encouraging him to go... 

Ahh, if only they made toilets to cheer on adults, growing up would be a hell of a lot easier....

POOP BY ASSOCIATION

Disclaimer:  This is my blog and I'll talk poop if I want to.

POOP SHAME: THE FINAL CHAPTER

As I've mentioned over the past couple of weeks or so, Baby-Ko's vocabulary is really taking off. He's repeating nearly everything, including the words that he shouldn't (I dropped a carton of milk and cursed, to which he followed promptly with "Oh, Tuck!) I know that an 18 month old with a truck driver mouth isn't something to brag about, but I must say, hearing him string two words together, (even an "oh"), was awesome.

And of course, given the fact that Bee-Bee's made it known that poo-poo is Oof, it should come as no surprise that now when I go to the bathroom (and Baby-Ko is in there with me), no matter what it is I'm doing/going, he points to the potty and says "oof."  At first, I was mildly offended as I wasn't even going #2 and I can promise there was nothing "Oof" about any of it. But then I realized it's actually quite intelligent- he ASSOCIATES bathroom (the potty), with "oof."  In my opinion, this is brilliant! In fact, the other day, when we were at Costco, as I put the seven-thousand-roll-case of toilet paper in to our cart, Baby-Ko pointed to the wipe-your-ass-for-years supply of TP and said "Oof! Oof!"  Yes! Toilet Paper = OOF! GENIUS.

The point is, I'm not so worried that all the Oofing is going to stop Baby-Ko from pooping or enjoying the potty. I think eventually, he'll have no choice right? When he's 16 years old, it will be funny to be Oof and (if he's anything like the boys I know), he'll even want to get his friends in on the Ooofing. 

So at this point, I'm going to try to put my worry about poop shame to rest -- especially since he's communicating and using his words to tell me what he wants and needs so well. In fact, just the other day, as I was changing his diaper, he strung together his first three word sentence: 

 "I go Poo-Poo."

Now that was Ooof. So very oofing sweet....

POOP SHAME PART 2

Last week, I got a Baby Center email update telling me that my "baby" may be ready to start potty training. 

DELETE. 

OOPS.  See, according to the pediatrician (who I pretty much forced in to telling me that Baby-Ko's language skills were advanced for his age, to which I literally did a high school/napoleon dynamite "yeeessss!"), Baby-Ko is in fact ready to start "potty training." He would like to see him fully trained, or at least interested and "engaged" in the toilet and all that it entails by the age of 2... which is in 6 months.... EEK.  That's a lot of stinkin' pressure... literally.

Twenty minutes ago, I just heard Bee-Bee and Baby-Ko playing.

Baby-Ko: "Poo poo!"

Bee Bee: "Okay, you go poo- poo."

Baby-Ko: "No! No, Poo-Poo!"

Bee-Bee: "Oooff?! You go poo-poo, Ooof?!"

Baby-Ko: "No!!!" 

Three minutes later....

Bee-Bee: "Time to change your diaper, baby."

Baby-Ko: "Nooooooooooo!!!" 

They go in to his bedroom...

Bee-Bee (changing his diaper): "Whoooah! Big poopie! Big big poopie!"

Baby-Ko: "Noooo!"

Bee-Bee: "Ooof! Baby-Ko, Ooof!"

Baby-Ko: "No, ooof!"

Bee-Bee: "Yes, Oof. Very very oof. OOF."

I almost went flying in and begged her to stop the Oof-ness but I couldn't. I was frozen. Am I being too paranoid? Am I over thinking this? Two seconds later, he was laughing and they were playing again. But what if this pooping nonsense is really stopping him up- really holding him back-- I want him to be free. Free to poop. Free to smell. Free to be!  

THOUGHTS? DO I SAY SOMETHING? OR SHOULD I EVEN GIVE A SH*T????? :-)

POOP SHAME

The other day, our nanny ("Bee-Bee"), proudly exclaimed that Baby-Ko has been mimicking her. She told me that when she went to change his diaper, it was stinky and she said "Ooof," and he copied her and said "oof!" She thought it was hilarious and I guess created a little game and while making a "pee-eww!" face says, "Baby-Ko, do you have poo-poo?" He then says, "Nooo. Ooof!" She  proudly showed me their little poo-poo shtick game and I laughed.  Funny (smart) kid, I thought.  Poo-poo is "ooof."

But the next day, when I saw he was sort of struggling while making poops, I said, "Baby-Ko are you making-" and he, almost defensively, answered, "NO!" 

He seemed to be in pain. "Ooof?" I said, trying to lighten things up. 

"NO," he said sadly and walked away.  Did I shame him???

Suddenly I remembered hearing that you're not supposed to embarrass or call attention to your toddler's poop or smell. "It will make them feel bad and make them not want to go." I have no idea where I heard it, but I can only assume it dates back to one of Wacky's lectures or a play date with a PREPMM (Perfect Read Every Parenting Manual Mommy).  But maybe this time, those nutty broads are right... Maybe "ooof" makes him feel bad. Maybe he likes his poop and wants to go freely.

I told my mom my theory and asked her if she thought I should say something to Bee-Bee -- tell her that I would prefer not to "tease" Baby-Ko about pooping. "I don't want him to have poop shame," I said. "He should poop without any judgement..." As I was saying this ridiculously "West side" mommy thing, I started to laugh right along with my mom.

"Nahh. Don't say anything. He'll be fine. He'll still poop... 'Ooof' or not... He'll go. Believe me," she said.

"He won't feel bad? Ashamed?"

"J-Ko, have you known any man in our family (or in the world?!) to feel shame about pooping?"

POINT TAKEN.

But just out of curiosity and because my OCD is raging tonight, does annnnnnnnnyone think ooofing at his pooping may cause a little poop drama down the road? Or is Wacky's word, once again, a load of crap? Literally...

THE POOP MACHINE

Yesterday, as I sat praying that my 3rd cup of coffee would stir a little somethin' up in the ol' bowels, I caught a story on the Today Show that once again sort of shocked me. Ironically, it was about a woman who runs a potty training program out of her house called "Booty Camp." I won't go in to a lot of detail about this woman's methods, but I will say this: Bitch Ca-Razy! Okay. Literally imagine 3 year olds, with their pants DOWN, sitting next to each other on beginner potties in a ROW, in THE MIDDLE of some lady's kitchen. Their parents are watching and being given "tools" to help encourage and train their kids to use the potties. Meanwhile, the lady gives the children the saltiest, sweetest, shittiest (no pun intended) food and drink you can imagine because she claims the salt and sugar will speed their bladder and "soften their bowels." Some leave successful, some leave with crap still in their pants, and some leave with crap on the floor (literally, they have to help clean their mess off the floor if they have an accident).

I don't know. Potty training seems like something that should be done at home or at preschool where a child's "potty" readiness is treated on an individual basis. Fortunately, we're ways away from having to think about potty training Baby-Ko. Besides, Baby-Ko has his own system in place and has created his own personal little bathroom and toilet area: The Evenflo ExerSaucer, a.k.a. The Poop Machine. I don't know what it is, but EVERY TIME we put Baby-Ko into it, without fail, he poops! If they only made a machine like that for adults, I'd sure cut out A LOT of caffeine....

Behold BABY-KO & THE POOP MACHINE. Oh, and the very first picture ever posted on my blog...

Mission Accomplished!