A "MIRACLE" WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAM

2 weeks exactly before D-day

I gained 33 pounds during my pregnancy with Jonah. Thirty-three. I lost exactly 12 the day he was born. Not that it was anything I cared about DURING the 24 hours of labor/no sleep. But I can remember coming home from the hospital, looking down at what appeared to be a five month pregnant, but blob like belly and thinking, "in addition to the 7lb 5 oz human that emerged from my womb, I muuuust have lost more weight..." So, like a sicko, I hopped on the scale and cursed the amniotic gods for only shedding 5 lbs of fluid.... THEN exhaustion and WTF just happened to my life-ness set in and I didn't think about how much I had or needed to lose again. Well... at least not for another couple months.... Eventually, it all evened out and I was back to my pre-baby weight and bod (minus the newly deflated-breastfeeding ruins everything chest area).

A couple months ago, my buddies at How to Be a Dad asked me to participate in a video they were producing for Kin Community. With pleasure, I said of course and showed up to shoot a little video about losing said baby weight (kind of). Though my days of theeeeater and acting are long behind me, I must admit it was fun doing a video with Charlie, Andy, and my girls Jenny Feldon of Karma (Continued) and Morgan of the818. It's no embarrassing meet and greet with Ashton Kutcher, but it still ought to make you laugh. What do y'all think?

YOUTUBE: CELEBRITIES UNPLUGGED

Michael Buble serenading Rachael Ray. Jim Carrey professing his love for a woman far too young for him. Khloe Kardashian talking about how she really felt about meeting Lamar Odom. Pauly D giving the 101 on how to get Jersey Shore hair in a flash. And me... dorking out to meeting Mr. Two and a Half Men Hottie Ashton Kutcher. Check out my YouTube Celebrity Unplugged Playlist that I recently filmed for Momversation.

COCKTAIL, PLEASE

About 15 years ago, as I laid in bed practically hallucinating from a horrible flu/fever watching what seemed like the most magical infomercial ever, I decided I needed the Mob Hits CD Volume 1.... And 2. I think I had just written a paper on "Good Fellas" and must have been in the mafia mode (or just craving pizza), and just had to have it. (Plus it was free shipping and handling, and I think they were offering a snow globe too. It was a deal. Trust). I probably listened to it once or twice and that was that... It got buried with my Edie Brickell and Toad of the Wet Sprocket never to be seen again...

That is, until my Dean Martin and Louis Prima loving TODDLER came in to the picture...

It's kind of a long story, but in a nutshell, the Mob Hits CD is now one of Baby-Ko's most beloved soundtracks. Specifically, Mambo Italiano, Volare, and Oh Marie are his faves. What's even funnier is that his random taste in music spans beyond Luis Prima and Dean Martin- He's also obsessed OBSESSED with the Beach Boys. Apparently, his sweet babysitter A, likes to listen to K-Earth 101 and they play a lot of "oldies" and Kokomo came on once or twice (so sad that Kokomo is an oldie!) and Baby-Ko responded to it, so she made him a CD. Long story short, he now asks for Kokomo pretty much every time we get in the car.

Well, one day, amidst a horrifying tantrum, in an attempt to get him to calm down, I suggested I put on Kokomo. I turned on the computer, logged in to YouTube and voila, the Beach Boys saved the day....

"Amuma, amaica, ooh I anna take'a... bemuma bahama.. c'uh on pitty mama.." He sang sweetly.

Beach boys. Who knew?

It wasn't until days later that I actually LOOKED at the video of Kokomo that Baby-Ko had been watching and realized it was the official song/video from the movie "Cocktail." First of all, does anyone remember this video? There are chicks in total 80's big bangs/ high wasted bikinis dancing and scenes of Elizabeth Shue and Tom Cruise making out. Second, where the eff did John Stamos come from? He's the weird/ spazzy drummer in the video in a terrible pink tank top. WTF?!

To top it off, my brilliant little man realized that if Kokomo exists on the "puter" then so must his other go-to's. "I want Mambo Ta-wee-ano, Mommy!" Somehow, when the videos for Mambo Italiano came on, Baby-Ko knew (because he pointed and said "dat one") that he wanted the Dean Martin video.

At first, I felt bad for letting my barely 2 year old son watch these videos, but then as he asked for Volare again (which is just a slide show of pictures of Italy with the song playing over), I wondered how bad could it be...? I mean, let's face it, reading or drawing is probably a better activity, but if my son likes the sounds of afternoon delight, cocktails and moonlit nights, can I fault him?

In the meantime, I'm trying to work in the new Michael Buble single into the arsenal too. That one takes place at a grocery store. Believe me, I could come up with something educational and instructive for that one if I needed to... Look! Bananas, Melons....

RULE THE ROOST

Discipline. The D Word. Something I've never been very good at when it comes to myself (diet, exercise, french fries etc.)... and something I'm realizing that I'm not so great at when it comes to my son. Shortly after Baby-Ko turned 1 and started "testing," I remembered the pride I felt when a mere look or simple redirection of attention settled his urge to do the "don't" and I certainly didn't need to use the evil "N" word. I had mastered parenting at an early age (both mine and his), and I thought whoever invented "time out" could just suck it. My kid's GOOD. Really good... which according to Wacky, you're never really supposed to say because it actually gives them this whole personality disorder or something like that...

But I digress...

The point is, Baby-Ko is now 2 and because I've been back to work full time for the last year and because I no longer have any Wacky's (other than my wonderful family members) coaching me through the (not-so) "terrible two's," I feel like I'm completely clueless when it comes to the discipline department these days. (Certainly, you remember the Vacuum incident that rocked the nation....?)

Baby-Ko's newest thing is to swing his beloved (and filthy) blankie in the air... first he starts out doing it cutely, as if he enjoys feeling his blankie around his body, side to side. Then he starts getting closer to people or things, and the blankie sort of turns in to a whip. I suppose it could potentially really hurt another person, but mostly it's just annoying and I'm not sure why he does it, and I'm certainly not sure how to get him to stop-- as taking his blankie away isn't an option.... I don't think... (is it???)

For whataver reason, the other morning, Baby-Ko decided to test his limits again with said blankie. Carrying it in his little hands, he marched right in to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet lid and dropped it in the bowl.

First, he felt like ballsy.

Then, he was proud....

Then, he was screwed....

Not knowing whether to laugh, discipline, or be grateful for the fact that the toilet had JUST been flushed, I shook my head, said nothing, got a plastic bag, removed the now ass ridden blankie from the toilet, and carried it right to the washing machine.

For the next 45 minutes as the washer and dryer removed the germs and frayed corners that my son so derives comfort from, Baby-Ko was devastated and distraught by his decision. I did my very best, as he stood in the laundry room sobbing and pleading for his blankie to come out, to explain the consequence of what happens when we put things in the potty (that don't belong). But honestly, he didn't care.... My normally happy son who loves nothing more than to help me "do laundry," was being tortured by a great white blankie eating shark.

Fortunately, in a few weeks Wacky is holding a lecture for Two Year olds (well for the parents of two year olds that is) and I am attending. I very much look forward to a little Wacky gospel... Of course, I'm not sure she'd approve of redirecting a tantrum with YouTube videos or Sesame Street... Shh. Let's just keep that between us for now... okay?