RULE THE ROOST

Discipline. The D Word. Something I've never been very good at when it comes to myself (diet, exercise, french fries etc.)... and something I'm realizing that I'm not so great at when it comes to my son. Shortly after Baby-Ko turned 1 and started "testing," I remembered the pride I felt when a mere look or simple redirection of attention settled his urge to do the "don't" and I certainly didn't need to use the evil "N" word. I had mastered parenting at an early age (both mine and his), and I thought whoever invented "time out" could just suck it. My kid's GOOD. Really good... which according to Wacky, you're never really supposed to say because it actually gives them this whole personality disorder or something like that...

But I digress...

The point is, Baby-Ko is now 2 and because I've been back to work full time for the last year and because I no longer have any Wacky's (other than my wonderful family members) coaching me through the (not-so) "terrible two's," I feel like I'm completely clueless when it comes to the discipline department these days. (Certainly, you remember the Vacuum incident that rocked the nation....?)

Baby-Ko's newest thing is to swing his beloved (and filthy) blankie in the air... first he starts out doing it cutely, as if he enjoys feeling his blankie around his body, side to side. Then he starts getting closer to people or things, and the blankie sort of turns in to a whip. I suppose it could potentially really hurt another person, but mostly it's just annoying and I'm not sure why he does it, and I'm certainly not sure how to get him to stop-- as taking his blankie away isn't an option.... I don't think... (is it???)

For whataver reason, the other morning, Baby-Ko decided to test his limits again with said blankie. Carrying it in his little hands, he marched right in to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet lid and dropped it in the bowl.

First, he felt like ballsy.

Then, he was proud....

Then, he was screwed....

Not knowing whether to laugh, discipline, or be grateful for the fact that the toilet had JUST been flushed, I shook my head, said nothing, got a plastic bag, removed the now ass ridden blankie from the toilet, and carried it right to the washing machine.

For the next 45 minutes as the washer and dryer removed the germs and frayed corners that my son so derives comfort from, Baby-Ko was devastated and distraught by his decision. I did my very best, as he stood in the laundry room sobbing and pleading for his blankie to come out, to explain the consequence of what happens when we put things in the potty (that don't belong). But honestly, he didn't care.... My normally happy son who loves nothing more than to help me "do laundry," was being tortured by a great white blankie eating shark.

Fortunately, in a few weeks Wacky is holding a lecture for Two Year olds (well for the parents of two year olds that is) and I am attending. I very much look forward to a little Wacky gospel... Of course, I'm not sure she'd approve of redirecting a tantrum with YouTube videos or Sesame Street... Shh. Let's just keep that between us for now... okay?

MOMMY DEAREST

I realize that most toddlers like to throw their food on to the floor, but Baby-Ko is definitely testing his limits in this department these days. I've started to sit him at the table, on a booster seat, without the tray. I place his food on an (overpriced, but darling and alphabet laden) place mat, in hopes that my royal highness will enjoy his cut up (overpriced, but nitrate free) chicken nuggets without picking up his (overpriced, but supposedly ergonomic or some shit) fork and chucking it across the room for no real good reason. 

Unfortunately though, there seems to be nothing I can say or do lately to stop him from throwing said fork and the entire place mat with food on all over the floor. I've begged, pleaded, tried to reason, tried to distract, sung, danced, and even bribed. Doesn't matter: Without fail, meal time has turned in to a food fight. Literally.

But yesterday, it occurred to me that there might be one thing that will teach him a lesson: The Monster. The VACUUM Monster. Baby-Ko has neeeeeeeever liked the sound (or even sight for that matter) of the Vacuum. In fact, I rarely vacuum in his presence (oh, who am I kidding. I rarely vacuum AT ALL), just because it freaks him out so much and I feel bad. But last night, mean mommy surfaced and I decided to play hardball. After chucking his chopped spinach (which BTW, ain't so easy to just pick up off of carpet), and mac and cheese across the room, I said "that's it! Now mommy has to vacuum!" So I went and got the vacuum, and while Baby-Ko sat in his chair, I vacuumed everything around him. He did cry a little bit and said "no mo vack-oom," but he eventually calmed down. I put it away and looked him in the eye and said, "When you throw food, Mommy has to vacuum. Okay? No more throwing food." I kissed him on the head and put out strawberries. Without missing a beat he held one up and said, "Mo vack-oom. NOOO!" and stuffed it in his mouth. Friggin' genius. Mom-Mission Accomplished!

But alas, my hopes and dreams of being the smartest (but still dirtiest, of course) mommy on the block was thwarted, when breakfast time became battle time today. What started off as a calm and very un-messy meal, turned in to scrambled egg and melon hurricane. Before the storm hit, I praised Baby-Ko for keeping his food on his place mat and eating it like such a big boy (adding and naming every one of his friends that also eat like big boys).  But minutes later, toddler-ness kicked in and "eggies" went flying. 

"That's it!" I said not effing around. "I have to vacuum. We do not throw food. When Baby-Ko throws food, Mommy has to vacuum."  

"No!!" He cried as I got out the Monster. "Mommy no!"

But I did it. I got out the vacuum despite how scared he actually looked.  Suddenly I felt AWFUL.  Who am I, Joan Crawford???!?!  He clearly hates the vacuum. (It does make a really screechy kind of awful sound that bothers me too actually). I mean, I know this is just a phase - the throwing food everywhere - so should I be letting it go? Should I give up on trying to have a clean carpet? Is he too young to be taught a lesson? Is my vacuum method cruel and unusual punishment??? 

PLEASE parents, advise. Tell me what YOU do with your toddlers when they throw food, and clearly know they're not supposed to.

Oh, and PS....  If you have suggestions on how to teach your kid not to eat markers, feel free to throw that in too....