THROWBACK THURSDAY: MY BROCCOLI BOY

Every now and again, I start feeling a little sentimental about how much I miss Jonah's baby and toddler years. Though age 6 is proving to be fantastic in a million ways,  there are moments, like this morning, when I wish I could go back in time... just for a little... The new words he'd use, the developments he'd make, the way he ate... I know this sounds silly, but when a 6 year old eats, let's be honest- it looks, well, like eating and usually just looks like a mess (on the floor). Eating is for survival at this point.  But when a 1, 2, or 3 year old eats... Well, to me it was like watching a rare bird (scratch that, I hate birds. What am I thinking?!)-- it was like watching a rare, baby tiger eat for the first time. It's fascinating, sweet, and produces some special moments that for whatever reason, stick with you forever. (For the record, I'm actually not one of those people that find it fascinating when animals eat. Like, at all. But since the majority of world does care, I used that analogy for them. I do what I can).

Since it's Throwback Thursday, and since I'm feeling particularly mushy this fine 43 degree - SoCal morning, I thought I'd share a clip I found from a few years ago. Jonah was about 3 1/2. Just before this video started, he was asking about how people swallow and to tell him about "Spit," which I explained was called "saliva."  As an expert on saliva, ahem, if you're a fellow parent, you'll find my answer to be quite comforting, if nothing else. And trust me, there's nothing else. I only know what I know people.

Anyway, enjoy and cherish the small moments. And eat your broccoli. xo, JB

CONVERSATIONS OF MAY...

6am.  A tap on my shoulder...

Jonah: Mommy...

Me: Yes...?

J: I'm up.

Me: I see.

J: Mommy?

Me: Yes...?

J: I had a very bad dream.

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that.

J: Mommy?

Me: Yes...?

J: Please don't be mad at me... but in my dream... I punched (my cousin).

Me: Wow, that does sound like a bad dream.

J: Are you mad at me?

Me: No, honey. It was just a dream.

J:... Because you know I'd never punch my cousin, right?

Me: I know you'd never punch anyone.

A few days later... 6am again... (I mean, seriously). Michelle Obama in a PSA on PBS.

Me: Do you know who that is?

J: No, who?

Me: That's The First Lady of the United States. That's President Obama's wife. They call her "The First Lady."

J: She was the first lady... EVER?!!!

Me: Not exactly...

I love May. 

THE CHECK IN

Oh, hello there. Hi. Hey. What's up. Remember me? GOOD. I know.... been a while since I've posted anything. I'm well overdue for a story about Jonah and his questions or my unshaven legs (though I must say, shockingly, they're actually quite smooth these days. Jonah on the other hand... his questions are still incessant).

Anyway... What exactly have I been doing that has taken me away from all things perfectly disheveled? I don't entirely know. But I know I've been BUSY. I've got a pile of mail, a slew of phone calls to returns, an inbox of of unread emails, and a dozen shows that are on the brink of DVR deletion... On that note, I'm going to keep it short and sweet, and leave you with 1) a promise that I will start to write more. Soon. & 2) a little story about little J.

Tonight, after returning from an oh, SO fun sesh with my accountant (Three letters: FML), I walked in while Jonah was taking a bath. I sat down next to Tricia (our nanny) and started to catch up with them.

Me: So.... tell me about your afternoon. How was it? What did you do?

J: Mommy, we already told you.

Me: Can you tell me again?

J: Why do you always check on me while I'm with Tricia? Just let us hang out. We're fine. Geeeeee.

Tricia and I laugh.

Me: Oh, my darling.... I will check on you for the rest of your life. In 30 years from now, I'll check on you.

J: 30???!

Me: Yep... when you're married, with children, I'll check on you. I'll ask you about your day then too.

J: But, why???

Me: Because I'm your mom. And I'm jewish. And we want to know what you ate, where you ate, who you ate with, how you feel, how you felt, how you think you'll feel and if you're still hungry.

Jonah laughed.

J: Are you just joking?

Me: Oh, no. I'm pretty serious.

He puts his hand to his head.

J: Oh my god, mother!

And so it begins....

POKER FACE

Last night, I took a trip down iPhoto lane and stumbled on a slew of old videos from when Jonah was about 21 months old. Watching them, I started to feel very sentimental... Though I love watching this child bloom and truly become a little boy right now, I must admit, part of me misses "Baby-Ko...." First steps, first words, first songs... Now he's putting concepts together. Like big concepts. Take this conversation for example... From the back seat... where the most meaningful conversations seem to start....

J: Mommy, tell me about the day I came out of your PA-CHINA.

And cue the poker face.

Me: Um, wha-- Oh. Um. Uh, okay. Uh, the day you were born...?

J: Yeah, tell me.

Me: Okaaaay....

J: Did it hurt when I was coming out of your pa-china.

Me: Yes. It did.

J: For how long?

Me: For about 40 minutes.

J: Is that a long time?

Me: Uh, actually... It's pretty good. Not bad.

J: Did it hurt me?

Me: No, it didn't hurt you.

J: What did it feel like?

Me: Uh.....

(Is this where I tell him about anaesthesia?)

J: Did it feel like a pinch?

Me: Uh huh. Like a pinch.

J: Like a shot?

Me: Yep. Like a shot.

J: Like a big, big poo poo coming out?

Me: Um. Yes. Definitely like that.

Silence.

J: But Mommy, I'll never have a baby...

Me: Well, one day you wi--

J: No. Mommy, no. I don't have a pa-china.

Me: That's true. You don't. But you'll marry a mommy and she will have one.

J: Where will you be?

Me: Well, I'll live very close by.

J: Will you live with me?

Me: No, not when you're married.

Silence.

J: Mommy, do you want to marry me?

Me: Jonah, I .... Mommies can't marry their sons. But I will love you forever.

J: Even when I'm an old man.

Me: Even when you're an old man.

J: Do I get to step on the glass at my wedding?

Me: (laughing). Why, yes, Jonah. Yes, you do.

J: Turn on Lady Gaga.

Me: Okay.

Speaking of Poker face...

I do. I miss the A, B, C's.

SOME QUESTIONS

My son asks a lot of questions. Always has. And while his curiosity and his need to know the details and inner workings of everything inside and out is inspiring and infectious (and entirely genetic), there are days, that I. Just. Can't. Take. The. Questions. Especially when I have no answers... Or I do, but they don't even make sense.

For instance, I think a long time ago Jonah saw a video of Lady Gaga performing and then maybe Usher too, and they both were on stage and coming out of smoke. Okay, fine. Theatrics. Fantastic. BUT, now whenever J hears a song playing, he always asks: "Where does this singer come out of on the stage mommy? Does he come out of smoke?"

Sometimes, depending on who is singing, (like Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Rihanna, etc) I say, "Yes, they came out of smoke" (because, let's face it. These names are synonymous with Dry Ice). His next question after that is always, "Is it hot?" I explain to him that it's not the hot kind of smoke. It's the cool kind. And with the lights, it looks super smoky and hot (literally and figuratively).

But when it's another singer, like his favorite Dean Martin (oh, 'tis true) and he asks me if he comes out of smoke during "Mambo Italiano," I feel like I can't lie. I usually just say, "No, he didn't come out of smoke. He just walked out... from back stage...." Which then leads to a whole slew of questions about curtains and what happens when they go up, and when they go down and how does "Deem Marden" get off the stage....

I know the whole thing sounds wacky and complicated, but what am I to do? He's asking me very detailed questions about the strangest thing, and if you think you can explain to a 4 year old how the backstage at Staples Center works and what a Stage Manager does, then I will happily allow you to come over and diagram this shit out for him.

But I digress....

So this particular topic comes up a lot and it's one of those questions that my brain goes dead and no matter what answer I give him, it doesn't satiate him. He can't let it go. If I could only understand what it is that he's really trying to understand then I think he'd move on to another odd/quirky curiosity. OR, maybe I just need to come up with more convincing answers...

Case in point: The other day.... We were in the car listening to "Give Me Everything Tonight..." You know...Pitbull, Ne-Yo, Afrojack's hit. Right....

SONG: Me not working hard? ...Yea right picture that with a kodak
And better yet, go to times square... Take a picture of me with a kodak...

Jonah: What's Times Square?

Me: An area in New York with lots of buildings and television screens. It's really cool.

Jonah: How cool?

Me: Like one of the coolest places in the world.

Jonah: Do they have casinos?

Me: Nope. No casinos.

SONG: Excuse me... But I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight...And I might take you home with me if I could tonight...

Jonah: Why is he going to drink more tonight?

Me: He's super thirsty. From dancing at the club.

Jonah: What club?

Me: This club.

Jonah: WHAT club????

Me: THIS club. This club that he's singing about. People go there to dance.

Jonah: Can we go there to dance?

Me: It's for adults.

Jonah: How old?

Me: You have to be 21.

Jonah: How about 22?

Me: Even better.

Jonah: Mommy, why is he going to take "a baby" home from the club tonight?

Me: Oh, the baby's mommy couldn't drive. So he's helping.

See... there are some questions I have the answers to. The other stuff... It's a little, well... smokey.

Speaking of questions... Join me on Thursday, Sept. 1st at 7am PST/ 10am EST as I'll be a guest on Living the Dream Radio with Nina Frye. I'm so excited for this opportunity. Please feel free to call in (877) 864-4869, or chat with us live (see link below), ask me questions about my blog, my life, my terrible parenting strategies ... AND tell the world how much you love my blog. Kay? Kay. Thanks. ;-)

www.toginet.com/shows/livingthedreammom

A LOT OF LOVE

From the back seat....

J: Mommy, how much do you love me?

Me: Soooooooo, much.

J: How much? (Opening his hands). This much?

Me: Oh, way more.

J: How much more?

Me: To the moon and back, around the world 98 million times, to the bottom of the ocean floor and up, then around the world again. That much.

J: I love you that much too.

Me: I'm so glad.

J: NO. Mommy. NO. I love you... (Opening his arms). To the roof, to the neighbors, to Disneyland, all the way to the beach, and down Coldwater Canyon, and around the world 47 hundred 3, 5, zero, times. I love you that much.

Me: Wow, that's a lot.

J: Yeah. It's a lot... And do you know what else?

Me: What's that?

J: It's really far to the moon.

Me: I know.

J: What's a moon rock?

Me: That's a good question.

J: Do you know. What. I. Want. To. Be. Um, mommy, mommy, mommy. Do. You. Know. What. I. Want. To. Be-

Me: Yes?

J: Do. You. Know. What?!

Me: What darling?

J: I want to be an ASTRONAUT on Halloween.

Me: An astronaut. Okay! Very cool.

J: Can you get that for me, Mommy?

Me: I'll see what I can do.

J: Mommy, what will you be?

Me: A pretty mommy.

J: No, mommy. Something else. How about a princess?

Me: I like princesses--

J: A princess with a tutu. And a wand.

Me: That would be fun.

J: Yeah. And you can come trick o treating with me. Okay?

Me: Thanks baby. I'd love that.

The car ahead of me sits at a light.

Me: (Under my breath) Come on, dude.

J: Mommy! No! That's a not nice word.

Me: What did I say?

J:. You. Cannot. Say. Dude.

Me: You're right. It doesn't sound very nice. I was frustrated.

J: But Mommy. I'm very disappointed.

Me: You're... You're disappointed?

J: Yes. When we get to Daddy's, you are going to have a time out.

Me: (Holding in my laughter) Oh, my goodness.

J: No IFTS, ands, or butts, mommy. That's the rule.

Me: Oh... You are in charge?

J: Yes, I am in charge. I am the boss. You cannot say not nice words.

Me: You're right, Jonah. I need to think about my language.

J: Never, never, again, Mommy.

Me: Never.... You're pretty angry at me. Huh?

J: I will still love you though.

Me: How much?

J: That much. (Uses his fingers).

Me: That's a lot less than before.

J: I'm still very disappointed.

XO