PARENTING ADVICE: F**K IT

A couple years ago, I wrote a post when I worked at Momlogic about Parenting from the Gut. I had decided that my all things Westside and Neurotic was getting out of control and I'd try to listen to my instincts instead of flocking to the gurus that I had (still am) been paying good money to, to tell me what kind of pajamas my toddler should wear in mid October.

Sure... that "laissez faire," whatever works mentality works sometimes, but there is one area in particular that my own "here's how I'm going to handle this" strategy has been failing big time: Potty Talk with a capital Shit. My 4 year old has been swearing like a truck driver and literally nothing I do or don't do works. Last year, it was all Poop and Pee all the time. J's teacher suggested every time he says Poop or Pee out of context like he has Turret's that I quickly swoop him up and take him to the bathroom as if to say (and actually say), "Oh, you're saying Poop. That must mean you need to go...." Yup. That worked for a week. Then there was the "next time you say that, time out/toy taken away/done playing/no TV blah blah blah" phase. Then there was the "do nothing" phase.... which maaaaaaay have lead to bigger words being spewed like "Stupid. Dammit. Asshole. Shit." And his number one favorite, which he actually will only whisper because he knows just how bad it is: "Fuckit" (Said as one word).

Now before you go judging me and wondering where this angel gets this foul and massively inappropriate vocabulary, allow me to assure you that if, I repeat IF it comes from me it would never be on purpose and only during moments, at least for me, when I'm driving and people don't know how to signal or stop short or drive. really. at all. (Yes, I'm working on my road rage). And it's certainly not from watching Real Housewives or any of that garbage. In fact, if it comes from his exposure to media at all, then the fucking Backyardigans are really the ones to blame... But I digress...

Though his language has been a little extreme, I can say proudly (er, um... as proudly as a mother of a child with this problem should be) that this is language he DOESN'T use at school, but DOES use in proper context. Case in point, the other day: I had to return something to Zara. The manager and sales associate were being complete biatches and extraordinarily rude. When I walked away from the counter in a huff (with J in tow), he asked me why we had to go, I said, out loud, so the two B's could hear me: "Because they're NOT being very helpful."

J: Mommy, were they mean?

Me: Yes.

J: Mommy, should we call them assholes?

I laughed. Yes. I laughed. And in my opinion, the fact that he was able to identify the store manager as an asshole means he is good at reading people. That will save him years of bad relationships. I mean, he was a little off on wanting to call her "Dammit" a few minutes later, but I totally caught his drift. AND yes, I know this is not okay to encourage this behavior which is WHY, I pulled his preschool director aside the other day and told her about my little fouled mouth friend and asked her what in the fuck I should do...

So, her advice: Tell him that we have a new plan. From now on, when he needs to say not nice words, he must go into his bedroom or bathroom, shut the door, and say them to himself. It's private and those words are hurtful and not acceptable, especially not acceptable when you're saying them to your mommy. He must not use this language only in private.

Well, when I picked him up from school and he called me a stupid poop head, I seized the opportunity and told him the new plan. You have never seen a child so excited to get home and close the door by himself. For about 30 seconds I heard, "stupid. shit. dammit. asshole. fuckit. awful. poo poo. pee pee. throw up." Then he came out, took a deep breath and said he was all done. Not ONE bad word has been uttered outside his room since and I swear he has been in a great mood for like 2 days straight. This may have been the best parenting advice I've gotten yet.

We'll see how it fucking goes...

Speaking of parenting advice, here's some of my favorite nuggets of advice I pulled together for Momversation & YouTube. Enjoy ;-)

SHAKE IT

If I told you that I could sing along to almost any Cole Porter song, and ALSO recite the lyrics to Eazy E's "Give Me that Nut," would you believe me?

It's true. I grew up listening and singing to the same music as my grandparents grew up listening and singing to. Not sure why, but from a young age, I was drawn to standards... songs that evoked romance and hope. While at 16 I could be seen/heard blasting "I've Got a Crush on You" or "Fly Me to the Moon" from the borrowed 1980 Camarro (Nerd alert!), I could also be heard rolling through the streets of Beverly Hills with my girls listening to DJ Quick and Eazy E. We were gangsta like that, me and my little Jewish girlfriends. ;) I mean, seriously. We absolutely knew all the words to "Sweet Black P*ssy" (and to this day, I can still sing it for you).

Anyway, the point is, when it comes to music taste, I'm seriously all over the place... (though I can, with certainty, say that Christian Rock is not for me). But every now and again, we all hear a song that gets us going.... It might not be the kind of music you'd typically go for... but it's a song that invigorates or motivates you... or... strikes a chord on an emotional level... Maybe it's a song that makes you want to dance... or evokes some memories...

The other day, I discovered that song. I'll spare you the details on how/ why I decided I needed to have a singer (or is he a rapper?... Hello, aging myself) named Pitbull in my life. But thank god I found this song. Not only does it make me want to workout hard and run my ass off, but it drums up such memories.... Bahamas. College. Spring Break. Conch shells. Red Hurricanes. Red vomit. Lots of cigarettes. More vomit. Me having sex with another girl's boyfriend. Getting confronted by the girlfriend--10 years later-- at a bar. In New York. While visiting with my ex-husband. ANNNNNNYWAAAAAAY, the point is THIS SONG, this song-- it stirs all that up and more. And discovering this song RIGHT NOW, at a time in my life when my taste in music isn't the only thing all over the map, is just too perfect.

The only thing missing with it is a cold Red Stripe. Enjoy.

THE OTHER J-CO

For those of you that have been following PD for a little while, you will recall that my Nana is a big part of my life and has certainly been a source for "material." While she does live in a retirement village called Leisure World replete golf carts, club houses and sloped curbs (god forbid someone trips), she really isn't your typical 80 year old Grandma. In fact, this year, she's already been to Ireland and Las Vegas (both equally important destinations) and in a couple weeks, she's going to Africa with a friend for a 3 weeks. What's even more impressive, is that she is a very talented artist and recently had someone build her a website to showcase her work.

Although Nana's got her own site, getting her to understand what exactly a "blog" is and how one even finds it, has been a work in progress. Yesterday she spent the day with Baby-Ko, my mom and I:

Nana:  Okay, J-Ko dear, please tell me how I find your bog.

J-Ko:  Blog.

Nana:  Oh, well what do I type?

J-Ko:   Perfectly Disheveled dot-- It's a website. Like google.

Nana:  How do I find my google?

Mom:  First you have to find your Yahoo...

J-Ko:  Here we go again...

(We all laugh)

Nana:  No, now just wait...

J-Ko:   Nana, we've been through this. Just turn on your computer, go on line--

SILENCE.

J-Ko:  The internet. You need the internet. 

SILENCE.

Mom:  Oy. J-Ko, you need to show her.

FINE. I turn on my computer, go online and show her how to find my site. She starts reading. 

Nana: J-Ko dear. Oh my god. This is unbelievable. I had no idea that this is what a blog was. I love this!

After reading some of my older posts and searching around, she discovered the links "I Like" and suddenly my 80 year old Nana got "intra-net" savvy: 

Nana: Can you put my website on here?

J-Ko:  You mean like, link to your website?

Nana: Yes, why not. Maybe your friends want to buy art.

J-Ko:  Viral marketing. Love it.  I will put it up tomorrow.

Whether you like art or not, there's no denying- my Nana is pretty unbelievably talented and impressive.... and I personally have many many favorites. I am beyond proud to plug my Nana's site.  She's my very own Picasso and certainly my role model. Did I mention she's also going to Australia in August???!!

http://jeanccohn.com/

PS. "Thoughtful" is of me when I was Baby-Ko's age! See any resemblance?