PEARLY WHITES

We have been struggling a bit trying to get Baby-Ko to allow us to brush his teeth. A friend suggested I buy him a toothbrush with Elmo on it--  maybe that would make him more interested in sticking a foreign object in to his mouth.  Well sure enough, her trick worked and now my little man looooooooooves brushing his teeth.  

Ironically, today at the dentist, the hygienist told me that if I don't start brushing my teeth correctly, my gums would continue to recede. Apparently I'm in a "terrible recession." (Um, aren't we all???) She told me that I'm going to be very upset and that my receding gum line is going to make my teeth look long and "very unattractive." (Thank you. As if this week wasn't stressful enough. Now I have long teeth. Great.)

So if anyone has any recommendations for good electric toothbrushes, please let me know. And if they have Elmo on it, that would be even better...

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BABY-KO

As I've mentioned in previous posts, Baby-Ko, who is now 16 months old, is ob-SESSED with lights. I don't even know when or how it started but he loves to turn them off and on. I partially blame myself, T-Ko and all of his grandparents for enabling this somewhat annoying, 

Rain-Man-esque fascination. We are obviously the ones lifting him up to turn these switches on and off, and if we had just said "no" months ago, we might not have to ask restaurant managers if we can play with their chandeliers when Baby-Ko starts to meltdown. (Okay, it's not that bad, but trust me. I have come very close to asking them). 

But yesterday, it occurred to me that if  I lived in a house where light switches were easily accessible to miniature people like Baby-Ko, his obsession wouldn't seem so annoying.... which is why living down in a retirement community, with my Nana and her other elderly friends, seems like the perfect place to live with a toddler. The light switches are lower, the bath tubs have rubber slip mats, there are no curbs on the sidewalks, and everyone eats dinner at 5:30. Watching Baby-Ko roam free in the unintentionally baby-proofed house, I noticed how less frustrated he was. It was as if he had gained some independence without us having to acquiesce and give in to his every demand.

I'm not sure if it was the low lights or her delicious chocolate "chippies" that has Baby-Ko Button now hooked, but I can tell you it won't be long until we are visiting Leisure World again soon...

EVERYONE'S LOST

Perhaps it's because mercury's in retrograde (I don't even know what that means or if it's true, but I felt like saying it), but once again the fa-fa-freeeeeeeaks were out at Target last night.  As I was dashing out of the store, I walked past a homeless man who appeared to be holding what looked like a margarita. Okaaay. Then, I heard someone talking (maybe even yelling) loudly in my direction.  I ignored it as the only thing on my mind was quickly getting home to kiss Baby-Ko.  The yelling got louder though. I turned.

An old couple that looked like they  had been plucked from central casting waved at me. "What city is this?"

"Huh?" I said, half understanding, half taken aback.

"What city is this?" 

I still didn't answer. What?! What city are we in?! I was trying to process this odd question.

The homeless margarita man (now outside), standing with the old couple shouted:

"WHAT CITY HE IN?!"

"Oh, uh. Los Angeles...?" I said  confused. 

"Thank you!" the trio shouted back.  Odd.  Not like we're in Podunk, Kansas. This is Los Angeles. Hollywood. Biiiiig city. But whatev...   and off I went to kiss my delicious little boy and his equally delicious dad.

**

Later that evening, as I devoured a delicious burger (from "Islands" thank you very much) and watched a bunch of "island" castaways try to figure out where the eff they were and why time kept changing, I realized I wasn't the only one completely LOST.....

MEN LOVE WOMEN... I'M LOST

Yesterday, I stumbled upon askmen.com, a website I can only assume is geared towards, duh, men. Apparently, every year they compile a list of the Top 99 women from the year. Last year, Katherine Heigl was named the No.1 Most Desirable Woman. This year, men must have been as annoyed with the dead-Denny-Duquette-sex like me, because she came in at No.81. Ouch. 

Every year, voters from all over the world are asked to look beyond sex appeal and beauty to pick women who have the characteristics they value most in a potential companion, like "intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition." Based on those attributes, you'd think Tina Fey would come in at least top 10 right?  Nope. Tina ranked No. 97 Most Desirable Woman of 2009.  Apparently, men do like funny women. But witty sort of pales in comparison when put up next to Jessica Alba's slammin' post baby bod, who came in at No.15.  

Go figure. 

Some stats:  Anne Hathaway was ranked #5, while the curvaceous and gorgeous Beyonce Knowles was ranked #50. (Apparently men do not appreciate being told they've gotta put a ring on it).  I didn't even see the sexy Salma Hayak  on the list and was also shocked to see Angelina Jolie coming in at #42.  New mom Halle Berry came in at #13.  Britney Spears, No. 90,  finally made it back on the list after being off since 2005 (Apparently men do not like crazy.)   I was most disappointed to see my girl crush Kate Winslet coming in dead last at #99, when someone like Anna Paquin (Seriously?!) ranked #71.

According to men, the top ten Most Desirable Women of 2009 are:

10.  Kate Beckinsale (Totally)

9.  Kristen Bell (ehh...)

8.  Rihanna  (Sure, why not...)

7.  Scarlett Johansson (Hot)

6.  Alessandra Ambrosio (Pretty)

5. Anne Hathaway (You know my thoughts on this...)

4.  Keeley Hazell (Who??)

3.  Marisa Miller (Sexy)

2. Megan Fox (Gorg.)

And the No.1 Most Desirable Woman, according to all things men is......

EVA MENDES.  

When I asked my husband what he thought of Eva Mendes as the Most Desirable Woman of 2009, he quickly said: "WHO?!"

Thus, it is official: I will never understand men. 

'Night Night Bush

Tomorrow is the day. The day so many of us have been waiting and praying for.  Obama. Barack Obama. President Barack Obama.

I cannot wait.

However,  I hate to say it, but I'm gonna miss ol' Bushie..... Only for the jokes of course.  And I'm not the only one. Here's what one toddler has to say about our (almost) former 43rd President...

Buh, buh bye George! 

TALK ABOUT DISHEVELED....

I feel like I'm always doing laundry.  In fact, tonight before I left to run an errand and pick us up some dinner, I  took some laundry out of the dryer and threw a new load in the washer....  I threw the dry clothes on the dining room table. I'll fold them when I get back (i.e. pray that my mom, who's over, will get to them first)....

**

At California Chicken Cafe, I spend 5 minutes debating (in my head) about which salad to have. I order two California Salads (chicken, feta, avocado, tomato, pita chips) and take a number and wait for my order. Crap. I changed my mind. I want the Chinese Chicken Salad. Will be great for leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  I walk up to the counter and try to get the cashier's attention. She's in the middle of helping a middle aged man (with a bandage on his nose) and his lanky 20-something son.  

"Um, whenever you get a chance," I say as they exchange cash, "I just want to change my order."  The middle aged man (MAM) looks at me. He does a double take. What? I waited until you got your order in. What??

"There's something in your hair" he mutters.

"Huh?"  I say, not really hearing him.

"You have something in your hair," he points to it.

I swat at my hair. Ew. What is it?  He keeps pointing at my hair like he's seen a ghost. Everyone in line is staring.

"It's still there," he says and takes a step closer. Um, can I just get my salads please?!

"It must be my son's food or something," I say digging for an excuse. 

The cashier yells, "No it's kind of big." Big? What the hell is it?!  I pat my hair again. I feel nothing.

The MAM takes a step closer. "Here, I'll get--"

"No! That's okay. Really, I--" He takes a step closer. Now he's fully staring at my scalp. I'm frozen. The last time I washed my hair was on Saturday. My hairline cannot be pretty. I am so embarrassed. Can somebody just get my salad please?!

He takes another step closer. Now he's touching my hair. OH MY GOD.  He's PICKING through my hair like the mommy gorillas at the zoo. I'm going to die.

"Got it, " He holds up a piece of lint. "Here you go,"  he says handing me the remnants of  my laundry. 

"Oh, thanks... Hey. Look at that," I say apologetically, not knowing what to do with a shitty piece of lint.

CAN I PLEASE JUST GET MY FUCKING SALADS NOW!!??!

***

On my way out, the MAM, now sitting at the table makes some sort of sweeping gesture over his head as I walk by. Great, nice. You're honest and helped a complete stranger. Congratulations. Weirdo. 

I get in the car and look in the mirror. What is that? I look closer. Another piece of lint. Oy.

***

The moral of the story is multi tasking is great, but either I'm going to have to start washing my hair more, or start doing less laundry....

STATUS UPDATE...

Remember back in the day when you played Tetris or Mario Brothers and you closed your eyes at night, and all you could see was the game?  Blocks falling in to place. Mario jumping over a brick wall... Luigi throwing a fire ball....  Well, a similar thing has happened to me with Facebook.....

**

As I waited for T-Ko outside the men's restroom at the Laker game, my blackberry buzzed-- I had two new notifications on Facebook. Someone had commented on my status.  As many of you Facebook junkies know, there is a tool on FB that allows you to update people with your status. "J-Ko is...." and then you fill in the blank. "J-Ko is... driving." etc.  So I wrote  "J-Ko... is being escorted to the AM 570 suite by Vic the Brick. hilarious."  (which is a whole other story in and of itself)...

Anyway, for whatever reason, for the rest of the night, everything I thought or said, came out in the form of status updates. I couldn't stop.   I was annoying myself.  It reminded me of when I was an assistant and I always thought I heard phones ringing -- Only this time, all I heard was me. "J-Ko is... wondering why the woman sitting next to her thinks that hat looks good on her...." "J-Ko wonders how smelly the players must be..." "J-Ko is ... trying to hold in a fart."  

Then I started think how funny it would be if everyone actually wrote the gods honest truth on their status updates.... It certainly be more interesting than hearing that "Cathy is... feeding her cats" or some boring bullshit happy new new year update that we've all been guilty of. 

So I decided, since I'm in a sassy-tell-all sort of mood, that I'd share a couple of my secret status updates/thoughts with you. After all, my 329 best peeps ( make that 346 bf's!) don't need to know everything I'm thinking....  

J-Ko is blogging (when she should be working)...

J-Ko is wearing tight jeans and wonders if her muffin top is obvious to everyone.

J-Ko has a wedgie so bad but her fucking  jeans are too tight to do anything about it.

J-Ko could probably use a mint and is thankful she's not sitting too close to anyone right now.

J-Ko has had to pee for about a half hour and is too lazy to get up from her desk to go....

 Actually. I do have to go.  Now it's your turn:

What are some of YOUR secret status updates???

WHATEVER WORKS

I posted a while back about how I used to list all the things I would NEVER, gasp, NEVER do when I had a child of my own.  Well, those with children know how ridiculous that romantic little notion is... Especially, when you're on "vacation" with said child and said child happens to be interested in everything he shouldn't be and wants to be everywhere he shouldn't and can't be.  SO, what do you do? You go in to SURVIVAL MODE. You do what you can to get by. You make do with what you got and you break all the rules and become a mom that you never, gasp, never thought you would be. 

Yet, here you are. Sitting on the floor of a WINERY. Tempting three toddlers with cookies, books and goldfish, while you sip your wine trying to detect hints of chocolate, berries and pepper.  (This photo happens to be of one of the other mommies on the trip who I'm pretty sure never thought she'd be sitting on the floor of a winery trying to entertain to three toddlers as she sips Pinot Noir either).

I mean, there weren't very many people in the winery and we only did the short tasting (4 wines to be exact), and we of course picked up the goldfish crumbs before we left... At least that's what I keep telling myself.

And then there's the ride home. The SEVEN HOUR ride home.  The ride home I used to tell myself that would be full of singing, reading and "my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells..."  The ride home I swore that would never, I repeat never involve a movie or  DVD... What kind of parent would buy a car that promotes television watching, or bring along a device that would turn their children into bumbling idiots!?  Not me. Noooo. NEVER!  Well guess what? Apparently, my 15 month old could give a shit what my father's selling and would like to watch "Signing Times" 18,000 times in a row. Yes, that is what he would like and god help everyone in the car and on the road for that matter too, if he doesn't get his way. 

I mean, it was a little screen though. I didn't have the volume up very loud. He's now very interested in the colors of the rainbow... At least that's what I'm telling myself.

And as my Papa Ralph used to say.... Whatever works.