OVERSEXED

FIRST, I got an invitation from a friend to DO IT with some of her friends. But, I had to pass because T-Ko wouldn't be able to watch Baby-Ko that afternoon...

THEN, I asked T-Ko if he had any interest in DOING IT with me instead, but he said unless I bought him an X-Box 360 and gave him a BJ, he had no interest.

SOOOO... THEN, I asked Sam if she wanted to DO IT with me. She said "yes!" but she's leaving for a long trip so we'd have to do it AFTER she gets back. I told her I couldn't wait until late June so we made plans to DO it before she left....

THEN, my Mom asked if I could sneak away for a night to go DO IT with her. It may be weird for some, but for me, DOING IT with my mom would actually be fun, so I said SURE and made sure T-Ko could watch the baby...

THEN, some of my friends from Wacky's Class talked about DOING IT and turning it into a girls night out. So we pencilled (touched) it into our iPhones and of course booked our husbands to watch the babies...

THEN, my friend Mc-C called and wanted to know if I was interested in grabbing drinks and DOING IT with her and some friends. We are always trying to get together and never can, so I said, "sure, let me know what night you're thinking...."

THEN, my best friend T called and asked if I would DO IT with her, otherwise she was going to DO IT alone... "You can't DO IT by yourself!" I told her, "We have to DO THIS together!"

***
WELL, I sure hope that being ridiculously OVER COMMITTED doesn't backfire, leaving me without any opportunity for "SEX." I mean, I know that Momnesia is something Carrie can't relate to, but by the looks of the trailer, I have a hunch Charlotte would understand...

JUST A SPOONFUL OF GREY'S

Everyone who knows me well, knows that I am kind of a hypochondriac. Aside from the fact that I lost interest after Doug Ross & Dr. Greene left the show, I had to stop watching ER because by the end of the episode, I had every condition they were treating (including the injuries from car crashes). Thank god, these days, my hypochondria seems to be at an all time low. I'm not sure if having a child has "cured" it, or "Grey's Anatomy" isn't really a medical drama, but I am certainly enjoying living without a "disease du jour."

However, I could NOT believe my ears this morning when I heard an interview on The Today Show with a woman named Jennifer Buettner and her husband Dennis. Apparently, after taking care of a niece that was constantly complaining of being sick, Jennifer decided the best way to cure the little girl's hypochondria was to give her "a pill" that would make her feel better and take whatever was ailing her away. SO, after Jennifer gave her a Motrin to pacify the kid, she got to thinkin'... I should create a FAKE pill to make kids feel better when they feel bad, ONLY, it won't be real. We will trick them!!!

That's right, folks. Jennifer and her (shouldn't be wearing a striped shirt on television) husband invented a PLACEBO PILL FOR CHILDREN that parents could give their kids when they have a non life threatening illness and medical attention isn't necessary, and they want to make their kids "feel better."

HOLY SHIT!!! This is wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin!!

1) First of all, as a former/current hypochondriac, I can tell you the last thing I want when I'm "sick" is a pill. Most hypochondriacs I know (okay, just me) are scared of pills. I would never take ONE PILL that would supposedly cure me of a tumor AND kidney stones. I'm not a sucker. Speaking of sucker, let's address issue number 2: LYING TO KIDS.

2) Whether your kid is truly sick or just "sick" (and probably just really needs a hug or attention), why would you ever use medicine as a tactic to TRICK THEM?? With the incidences of accidental overdoses in homes with children so high, why would you ever confuse a child and/or risk them finding out that their medicine is just "candy?"

3) I don't know about you, but giving my baby medicine is always a LAST RESORT. If I have to give him medicine, even Infant Tylenol, it means he is SICK and that the ONLY way he will get better is if he takes the medicine. In an already over prescribed and over medicated society, I think it is so dangerous to encourage children to think that a pill is the answer to everything. Hello, little pill poppers!

4) Finally, have you ever known of a child to ASK for medicine?? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe, if Julie Andrews flew down and gave him a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down, Baby-Ko could be swayed to swallow his meds without freaking out. But most likely, he will always resist. And I can't blame him.

Look, I know I'm only 8 months in and no expert in the world of all things "Parent," but I am happy to announce that Jennifer and Dennis' placebo pill will not be making it into the J-Ko household.

I'm also happy to announce that I just finished watching the season finale of "Grey's Anatomy" and I'm pretty sure the tingling I have in my stomach is just gas and not 3 tons of quick drying cement slowly crushing all of my vital organs. Now, I can guarantee you, they don't make a pill for that!

MOMNESIA'S A BITCH

I wish I had something wildly entertaining to write about but unfortunately nothing has happened in the past few days that I feel warrant a post.... Plus I think I have a terrible case of "Momnesia." Seriously. Ever since I saw the report that women become forgetful after having a baby on the Today Show, my Momnesia has been in full affect. (Come to think of it though, I do remember their set that day and loving the Jonathan Adler vase behind the couch....)

ANYWAY, at my last Mommy & Me class, the lecture was about introducing table foods to the babies. WACKY made us stand in a circle and repeat this how-to-save-your-baby-from-choking mantra like 16 times. We repeated it after her like school children and then she said "say it again... again, AGAIN...!!!" Being the wise ass that I am, I cracked a smile and I don't think Wacky appreciated it. She had us pretend what to do in case they were choking. She told us she'd come around the circle to each of us to see if we were doing it properly. Maybe she was secretly punishing me for not taking the mantra seriously because when it was time for me to demonstrate with Baby-Ko, she had her assistant check my "Choke hold." With all due respect, I think I'd prefer to get my life saving skills checked off by Wacky herself. Isn't that what I pay top dollar for??? BUT the JOKE is, I CAN'T even remember the fucking mantra for the life of me!!! Seriously, I got in the car after class and racked my brain trying to remember it.

Turn the baby over and hit them.... NO.
Upside down and on the back... NO.
Upside down, boy you turn me... NO.
911... NO.
Call Wacky???... Hmmm. Probably not.

Well, I guess I'll just have to watch Baby-Ko like a hawk when I give him "Yam/ Cheerio Pillows." (Yes, that's my newest creation. He refuses to eat ANYTHING EXCEPT cheerios. So I have to cram pieces of cheese, fruit, yams, etc, on to the cheerio to trick him). Who knows, maybe they'll do another report on the Today Show on how to get your babies to eat AND safe their lives in the process. I just hope I remember what they say instead of the remembering that I've seen Meredith Vieira in that Tory Burch dress before. Apparently Momnesia is selective....

WELCOME HOME

Before we left for our trip, I wanted to write a post that said "I hope this doesn't trip doesn't end with someone saying 'We need to move the island.'" But I thought it would be too morbid. But now that I'm back, I can say it. THANK GOD no one said it and we were able to spend one very fun and blissful week on the gorgeous island of Maui. (That was for all the other "Lost" nerds)

I miss Maui already. Frozen drinks, Baby-Ko in the pool, fresh towels and sheets every day... I could have easily stayed for another week (or two). Honestly, I was worried about what traveling with a baby would be like, and it really wasn't that terrible. Sure there were moments, but the look on Baby-Ko's face as he took in all the new sights and sounds made it totally worth it. AND the nanny that we hired for 4 hours one day so Mommy could fry her ass off, helped too.

Having a baby changes a lot of things, but I think the thing (especially when it comes to travel) that has really changed for me is my attention to GERMS. Yes, Germs. I am usually a germa-phobe. A surgeon in a public bathroom or area: I touch nothing. I'm seriously like a magician. But when you have an 8 month old who will stop at nothing to get his mouth on the airplane seat armrest (vomit), or rub his hands up and down the walls of the lavatory as I change him over the toilet (double, triple & food poisoning vomit), I think you are forced to sort of just (dare I say it?) GET OVER IT.

And so I did. Kind of. Sort of. Well, almost. I mean, I had these organic, natural wipes that I used on Baby-Ko's hands as much as I could, and beyond that I just had to turn a blind eye. That said, I'm not quite ready to adopt the "5 second" rule that T-Ko is happy to enforce. The floor is a whole other story....

P.S. If you haven't already noticed, I have ADS on my website now. I am now affiliated with a great website called MomLogic.com which is owned /operated by Warner Bros. & Telepictures. They have my site listed in "sites we love." I'm really excited about this. Even more excited that Chuck E Cheese was one of the advertisers that popped up in one of the tags this morning.

LADIES LOVE HIM

It's official. My 8 month old son is a chick magnet. Young, old, big, small... doesn't matter. He draws 'em in with his eyes, then his smile, and then they're hooked. For the past 3 days, Baby-Ko has been the object of desire in particular for one 5 year old girl, named Keilani... She sees him in the pool and she comes RUNNING. She said she loves babies and he is "soooooooooo cute." (I won't lie, my boy looks A-DOR-ABLE in board shorts). Keilani's pretty cute too. T-Ko joked and asked her if she has a job and she said, "um, yeaaaaah. I go to school." Good answer, girlie. You can now date my son.

To be honest though, I'm not quite sure what Keilani sees in Baby-Ko considering he literally fell asleep IN THE POOL (in my arms) as she was playing with his toes. What a stud.

Well, since there's only ONE LADY in his life right now, I'm going to relish in this phase while it lasts...

P.S. Would it kill Maui to have a few less birds? I mean, HONESTLY...

ALOHA

Greetings from Maui. We arrived yesterday afternoon after a seriously delightful plane ride with Baby-Ko. I mean, literally, the kid did not make a peep the entire time. He was smiley and sweet and flirting and making friends with everyone he could. He slept through take off AND landing (just like his mommy). Needless to say, T-Ko and I felt beyond relieved by the time we landed and were ready to book our next vacation based on our little gem's behavior.

Of course, now the time change thing has kicked in... and with naps, sleep, and even poops all out of whack, our little guy is a tad fussy. But it's a super kid friendly hotel AND Fortunately, T-Ko has a contact here and did some shmoozing so we just got upgraded to a a crazy nice suite... 2 rooms, 2 balconies, 2 bathrooms, etc... (I'm sitting on one of the balconies as I type. Ahhhh). Anyway, It will be nice though to be able to put Baby-Ko's crib in another room so that we don't have to whisper and go to sleep when he does.

Bottom line, so far so good. And while vacation isn't the way it used to be, at least T-Ko and I can still laugh and have a good time, fussy baby and all. In fact, he is encouraging me to take my bikini top off as I write. "We're so high up here, no one can see..."
Something tells me the other mommies at the kiddie pool won't be too thrilled about that....

BON VOYAGE

Tomorrow's the big day. T-Ko, Baby-Ko and I are heading to the beautiful island of Maui for a week. My best friend T and her boyfriend are coming too so I have no doubt it's going to be a blast. It's our first trip with Baby-Ko and while we are so excited, we're both a little nervous about how he'll handle the plane... I'm sure that it'll be smooth sailing once we land, but the shlepping portion of it all sounds a little daunting. I seriously cannot believe the amount of crap that one 18 pound baby needs. So much that I literally got on the scale with the suitcase to see if it exceeds 50 pounds. Good news: it doesn't. Bad news: I now know how much I weigh BEFORE a trip and mommy is not happy. Fuck it. What's one more Mai Tai and Pina Colada anyway....

I just hope T doesn't mind when she shows up to the pool with fun reading material like US Weekly and Harpers Bazaar and all I've got to swap is Pat the Bunny and Moo Ba La La La...

I'M YOUR MAN

Last night will go down in history as the best concert I've ever been to. T-Ko bought us tickets (well, me really) to go see Michael Buble in concert. Before I get in to the details of our date, please let me say this: I HEART Michael Buble. I discovered him years ago before anyone knew who he was and I have been in love ever since. His voice is incredible... he belts out standards that are right up there in my opinion with my other old love Harry Connick Jr. So when T-Ko surprised me with tickets for a Valentine's Day gift, I was thrilled.

As I walked out of the bedroom to grab my purse and say goodbye to the baby, I checked myself in the mirror ten times. Do I look cute??? I mean, I wanted to look good... Thousands of eyes will be on me when Michael Buble spots me in the crowd and pulls me up on stage to sing "You Don't Know Me." (Please people, indulge me in my delusions, would you?)

The concert was at the Honda Civic Center, which is in Anaheim... home to the Ducks, Disneyland, and the "other" Baseball team. As we made our way into the arena and headed to the cocktail cart (God, I love being an adult), I was honestly a little shocked: Everywhere I turned there were tons of women, MY AGE, all dressed up, with lip gloss as shiny and pretty as mine. Clearly I was not the only one with the ridiculous fantasy. I mean, who knew??? I was expecting to sit amongst middle aged couples and even elderly people shuttled in on buses. I was not prepared to share my love for MB with these hussies.

As we were waiting for the show to start, T-Ko joked, "You wanted to see Michael BOOBLES the magician, right?" I laughed.
"No seriously," he adds, "What if I surprised you and said 'we actually are going to a private concert for like 12 people'..."
"Amazing. But I would kill you. I would have dressed so much better."

When the real MB opened the show with "I'm Your Man" (Yes, you are), I couldn't believe that my eyes welled up with tears. T-Ko made fun of me and rightfully so. Who cries at a Michael Buble concert?? I think I was crying though because there is something very sentimental about his songs and his voice... Maybe something that reminds me of my childhood and singing with my grandparents... I don't know. But when MB did a little shtick between songs where he flirts with a 12 year old (not in a creepy way), my tears dried up. Lucky bitch.

The rest of the concert was fantastic. He crooned and I swooned.... Each song was better than the next. Even T-Ko got into it and was singing along. I didn't want the concert to end and apparently, I waved to MB as he exited stage (I didn't even realize I was doing it. T-Ko pointed this one out). I've never wanted to stay in Anaheim so badly.

When we got back into the car, I gave a big kiss to T-Ko and thanked him for an awesome night. He told me I could call him "Michael" all the way home if I wanted to. What a guy. (I know he was joking but I think he made the offer just in case he ever wanted to call me "Scarlett" for the night). Of course, there was no name calling of any kind considering that I passed out (drool and all) before we even drove past Commerce. But just for the record, I am very clear on who my real man is... And without him, I would certainly not be sitting here, recuperating from the sweetest first Mother's Day anyone could have asked for.

ON THE LIST

According to Wacky, Baby-Ko (who's not even 8 months old) should already have his name on 4 to 5 PRESCHOOL WAITING LISTS. The kid hasn't even tried Cheerios yet and is already expected to be competing for a spot at a good preschool....

Of course, without fail, I bought into the hysteria, and found myself on a TOUR of a preschool TODAY. Wacky gave us a list of all the schools she signs off on (a list that we weren't allowed to take home until we completed the 3 week discussion). When we talked about the Valley schools during Week 2, she said that the one I saw today was one of her favorites. (In all seriousness, I think Wacky's point of view on nursery schools is spot on and she did dole out some valuable advice on this one). When I tried to tell T-Ko the things that Wacky told us to look for, he said "as long as they give free apple juice and Lorna Doones, I approve." Thanks, Daddy.

Even though it was a hundred years ago, I decided to invite my Nana with me to the tour since she used to be a Professor of Early Childhood Development and owned her own nursery school. When we walked into the school with Baby-Ko we were immediately greeted by the Program Director. She brought us out to the play-yard and memories of my own early childhood came flooding in... Play dough, searching for roley-polies, nap time, and of course snack time...

The rest of the tour and visit was fine. It was a lovely little school.... Very developmental, social and sensory oriented like Wacky says a good school should be. But to be honest, the highlight was not the tour....
It was the fact that COREY FELDMAN and his wife were their checking it out as well.

That's right, Corey Feldman. As in Goonies, Stand By Me, License To Drive... As in "My Two Coreys" (the painful to watch reality show about life after fame with he and the Corey Haim). Back in the day, I obviously was way more in love with Corey Haim (oh, and Ralph Macchio AND C. Thomas Howell) than Corey Feldman. Nonetheless, to have a BOP and Teen Beat icon sitting across from me on a mini chair, asking questions about how the school handles separation and transition, is like, RAD.

BUT the fact that Baby-Ko is ON THE LIST, is like, TOO THE MAX!

I'M GOLDEN

Look, I know the statistics. I know how bad the SUN is for me and how I can get cancer and age at warp speed. I get it. I know. I use moisturizer and foundation with SPF in it every day and generally try to stay out of the sun as much as possible, blah blah blah...

HOWEVER, I spent the entire summer of 2007 pregnant and out of the sun. THEN, I had a baby and it was winter and suddenly it's now spring. And guess what, Mommy is going to MAUI in exactly ONE WEEK and her skin is so translucent, that no amount of Jergens Natural Glow will ever help. SO, I have given in and decided to fake it... That's right. FAKE IT. Old school style. In a bed. Blue lights. Goggles over my eyes. Towel across my boobs.

T-Ko couldn't believe that I was willing to spend 39 bucks on this, and frankly, neither could I, but drastic times call for drastic measures, my friends. Please, I was tempted to spend an additional $8 on some lotion that you put on beforehand that "like, oh my god, totally guarantees more color," according to the tanning "technician." But I didn't buy it. I took my chances and fortunately, walked out with more color than I had before...

Now if I could just find a bikini to help me fake a flat stomach, I'd be GOLDEN.

******

P.S. Remember that notice I got in the mail from my loan company telling me I was $50.88 away from financial freedom? WELL, I just got ANOTHER notice saying that the account has been paid in full. I guess I don't need to send them that final payment afterall.... Looks like Mommy is takin' that $50 bucks and gettin' herself another coat of tan... Yippee!

ONE OF THESE MOMS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER...

When I pulled into the lot at Gelsons yesterday, I knew exactly how I looked. I was in my ugliest sweats, underneath my glasses, I had mascara that was so caked in, there wasn't an eye makeup remover in the world strong enough to remove it, and my teeth could have used another minute of brushing. But I didn't care. I was on a mission so that I could get Baby-Ko back home in time for a good morning nap in his crib.

The Gelsons I go to is in a nice area and is always hopping with young hot mommies. In addition to needing milk for the house and some fruits and veggies to make Baby-Ko food, I had plans to go to lie out at N's pool later that day (while my in-laws watch Baby-Ko. SO excited for a day at the pool) so I wanted to pick them up some beer and grab myself a cup of coffee. As I'm dashing through the store trying to maneuver the stroller with one hand and my pretty shitty coffee in the other, Baby-Ko started to get super fussy and squirmy. (He's been hit with a double whammy: ear infection AND two teeth cutting through. Poor Guy). I start quietly singing "Wheels on the Bus" to him (it's my "go-to" song) and he thankfully settles down. Now that he's distracted, I head for the beer aisle as I don't want to show up to their house empty handed. I quickly grab a six-pack of Bohemia (on sale. nice) and bee-lined to the check out stand. I have my coffee now (so I don't need milk) and I have some jarred food at home (so I don't need the produce).

As I make my way to the check out stand, I pass a super teeny weenie mom with her equally teeny weenie daughter and feel their eyes go straight from Baby-Ko to my basket. At this point, despite my singing, Baby-Ko is totally unhappy, my sunglasses are half off my face, my coffee spilling everywhere, and my six-pack of beer is clank, clank, CLANKING in my basket. Oooh... It's not what it looks like, I want to say. But I ignore their scrutiny as I spot a new US Weekly at the checkout stand and realize that I'm very out of the loop and it would make great reading material at the pool.

I throw the US Weekly into my basket and get in line. The cashier gives me a disapproving look as I empty my basket filled with the two very un-mommy items. I take out my wallet, prepared to hand him my ID (I always get carded, puh-LEASE!) and possibly an explanation about my morning and my plans for the day.... but he doesn't card me! I guess my rendition of "Wheels on the Bus" is all the convincing he needed.... That's right, the wheels on the bus go "round and round." Now give me my beer.

THE BEST BREAK-UP

When I opened the mailbox today and saw a very thin envelope from one of my student loan companies, I was less than pleased. I never get anything in the mail from them so I immediately assumed it was a late notice (though I'm never late) or a notice saying one of our checks bounced (though it never has). Okay, fine, I have been late and have bounced a check once (or twice) before, but it doesn't happen often and that's not the point...

The point IS, I was expecting a letter that would no doubt end with me having to call to beg and plead with some unsympathetic customer service rep, but instead was greeted with a surprise:

Dear J-Ko,
Good news! One more payment of $50.88 will pay this student loan account in full.

It has been a pleasure working with you.

Sincerely,
One-Of-The-Many-Student-Loan-Companies-You-Have-Acquired-Debt-With

WHAT?! "It has been a pleasure working with you"? Jeez, that's it?? No good-bye kiss? No, I'll call you in the morning or breakfast the next day? I feel so used.

Well, the good news is my relationship with student loans is far from over. After opening the letter I felt so great about my success that I checked the balance of my other student loan.... WHAH WHAAAAAAAAH. Good job, Debbie Downer. You still have 20 grand to go.

On the bright side, 10 years ago, when I graduated from NYU, I thought that I'd never pay any off my student loans. And here I am, 50 bucks away from being free of a debt....

I just hope the credit card company is a little easier on our break-up this month when I send them a big ass chunk o' change... That relationship was a serious one for me...