TALK ABOUT DISHEVELED....

I feel like I'm always doing laundry.  In fact, tonight before I left to run an errand and pick us up some dinner, I  took some laundry out of the dryer and threw a new load in the washer....  I threw the dry clothes on the dining room table. I'll fold them when I get back (i.e. pray that my mom, who's over, will get to them first)....

**

At California Chicken Cafe, I spend 5 minutes debating (in my head) about which salad to have. I order two California Salads (chicken, feta, avocado, tomato, pita chips) and take a number and wait for my order. Crap. I changed my mind. I want the Chinese Chicken Salad. Will be great for leftovers for lunch tomorrow.  I walk up to the counter and try to get the cashier's attention. She's in the middle of helping a middle aged man (with a bandage on his nose) and his lanky 20-something son.  

"Um, whenever you get a chance," I say as they exchange cash, "I just want to change my order."  The middle aged man (MAM) looks at me. He does a double take. What? I waited until you got your order in. What??

"There's something in your hair" he mutters.

"Huh?"  I say, not really hearing him.

"You have something in your hair," he points to it.

I swat at my hair. Ew. What is it?  He keeps pointing at my hair like he's seen a ghost. Everyone in line is staring.

"It's still there," he says and takes a step closer. Um, can I just get my salads please?!

"It must be my son's food or something," I say digging for an excuse. 

The cashier yells, "No it's kind of big." Big? What the hell is it?!  I pat my hair again. I feel nothing.

The MAM takes a step closer. "Here, I'll get--"

"No! That's okay. Really, I--" He takes a step closer. Now he's fully staring at my scalp. I'm frozen. The last time I washed my hair was on Saturday. My hairline cannot be pretty. I am so embarrassed. Can somebody just get my salad please?!

He takes another step closer. Now he's touching my hair. OH MY GOD.  He's PICKING through my hair like the mommy gorillas at the zoo. I'm going to die.

"Got it, " He holds up a piece of lint. "Here you go,"  he says handing me the remnants of  my laundry. 

"Oh, thanks... Hey. Look at that," I say apologetically, not knowing what to do with a shitty piece of lint.

CAN I PLEASE JUST GET MY FUCKING SALADS NOW!!??!

***

On my way out, the MAM, now sitting at the table makes some sort of sweeping gesture over his head as I walk by. Great, nice. You're honest and helped a complete stranger. Congratulations. Weirdo. 

I get in the car and look in the mirror. What is that? I look closer. Another piece of lint. Oy.

***

The moral of the story is multi tasking is great, but either I'm going to have to start washing my hair more, or start doing less laundry....

STATUS UPDATE...

Remember back in the day when you played Tetris or Mario Brothers and you closed your eyes at night, and all you could see was the game?  Blocks falling in to place. Mario jumping over a brick wall... Luigi throwing a fire ball....  Well, a similar thing has happened to me with Facebook.....

**

As I waited for T-Ko outside the men's restroom at the Laker game, my blackberry buzzed-- I had two new notifications on Facebook. Someone had commented on my status.  As many of you Facebook junkies know, there is a tool on FB that allows you to update people with your status. "J-Ko is...." and then you fill in the blank. "J-Ko is... driving." etc.  So I wrote  "J-Ko... is being escorted to the AM 570 suite by Vic the Brick. hilarious."  (which is a whole other story in and of itself)...

Anyway, for whatever reason, for the rest of the night, everything I thought or said, came out in the form of status updates. I couldn't stop.   I was annoying myself.  It reminded me of when I was an assistant and I always thought I heard phones ringing -- Only this time, all I heard was me. "J-Ko is... wondering why the woman sitting next to her thinks that hat looks good on her...." "J-Ko wonders how smelly the players must be..." "J-Ko is ... trying to hold in a fart."  

Then I started think how funny it would be if everyone actually wrote the gods honest truth on their status updates.... It certainly be more interesting than hearing that "Cathy is... feeding her cats" or some boring bullshit happy new new year update that we've all been guilty of. 

So I decided, since I'm in a sassy-tell-all sort of mood, that I'd share a couple of my secret status updates/thoughts with you. After all, my 329 best peeps ( make that 346 bf's!) don't need to know everything I'm thinking....  

J-Ko is blogging (when she should be working)...

J-Ko is wearing tight jeans and wonders if her muffin top is obvious to everyone.

J-Ko has a wedgie so bad but her fucking  jeans are too tight to do anything about it.

J-Ko could probably use a mint and is thankful she's not sitting too close to anyone right now.

J-Ko has had to pee for about a half hour and is too lazy to get up from her desk to go....

 Actually. I do have to go.  Now it's your turn:

What are some of YOUR secret status updates???

WHATEVER WORKS

I posted a while back about how I used to list all the things I would NEVER, gasp, NEVER do when I had a child of my own.  Well, those with children know how ridiculous that romantic little notion is... Especially, when you're on "vacation" with said child and said child happens to be interested in everything he shouldn't be and wants to be everywhere he shouldn't and can't be.  SO, what do you do? You go in to SURVIVAL MODE. You do what you can to get by. You make do with what you got and you break all the rules and become a mom that you never, gasp, never thought you would be. 

Yet, here you are. Sitting on the floor of a WINERY. Tempting three toddlers with cookies, books and goldfish, while you sip your wine trying to detect hints of chocolate, berries and pepper.  (This photo happens to be of one of the other mommies on the trip who I'm pretty sure never thought she'd be sitting on the floor of a winery trying to entertain to three toddlers as she sips Pinot Noir either).

I mean, there weren't very many people in the winery and we only did the short tasting (4 wines to be exact), and we of course picked up the goldfish crumbs before we left... At least that's what I keep telling myself.

And then there's the ride home. The SEVEN HOUR ride home.  The ride home I used to tell myself that would be full of singing, reading and "my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells..."  The ride home I swore that would never, I repeat never involve a movie or  DVD... What kind of parent would buy a car that promotes television watching, or bring along a device that would turn their children into bumbling idiots!?  Not me. Noooo. NEVER!  Well guess what? Apparently, my 15 month old could give a shit what my father's selling and would like to watch "Signing Times" 18,000 times in a row. Yes, that is what he would like and god help everyone in the car and on the road for that matter too, if he doesn't get his way. 

I mean, it was a little screen though. I didn't have the volume up very loud. He's now very interested in the colors of the rainbow... At least that's what I'm telling myself.

And as my Papa Ralph used to say.... Whatever works.  

"HAY-NEE"

Two years ago tonight, I was up in wine country with a bunch of friends, staying at a beautiful house along the Russian River, drinking wine, eating delicious meals, and makin' babies. Well... Turns out I actually only made one baby to be specific, but the point is I literally conceived on New Year's eve (or New Year's day.... it was a lucky 24 hours for my husband and I).  Now, we're  back up in wine country, with the same group of friends and a couple of additions to the group -- the scenery is still stunning, the wine is still delicious, and the food is still making me fat (and for sure committing to a diet on Monday).  The only change: babies. Children. Toddlers. Three momma loving, snack loving, Elmo loving kiddies along for the ride. 

Being here with Baby-Ko and his two pals "Addie" and "Addie" (both different names, and different sex actually) definitely makes the moments of wanting to pull my hair out when Baby-Ko is having a meltdown more tolerable. It's certainly not the same trip we take year after year, after all- babies at winery isn't what I would call "relaxing," but it's definitely fun. And chaotic. And sweet. And I'm sure the best form of birth control our single friends with us could ever ask for....

***

Tonight as I put Baby-Ko to sleep, I told him about what an amazing year 2007 was because it was the year he was born and I fell in love. I told him that 2008 was even better because I watched him turn from an infant to a little man right before my eyes and then I really fell in love. I told him that we had so many exciting things in store for him 2009... turning two, a new president, a new doggy (not really, but I said it because it's fun to hear him say "dAH-gee").  I said "Happy New Year" over and over and finally, he said "Hay-nee," which I can only assume is his brilliant rendition of Happy New Year. It was a wonderful way to say 'night-'night.... and go join my friends upstairs for an adult beverage...

This has been one hell of a year and I am so looking forward to an even happier, healthier, and sweeter New Year. Best wishes to all.  

xoxo

J-Ko

MOMMA'S BOY

I wanted to write about my new favorite show "Whatever, Martha" on Fine Living Network- I stumbled upon this gem last week. Alexis Stewart, Martha's daughter sits around with her friend Jennifer and watches old Martha Stewart Living segments and literally talks shit.  I mean, literally. She calls her mom uptight, sexless, makes fun of how boring and ridiculous it is... One segment she made fun of Martha's guest who is a twine collector. Yes, twine. Anyway, the show is hilarious but what I love is that Martha Stewart is actually executive producer which means- she's in on it. She knows her daughter is talking shit and is cashing in on it too... It's brilliant. 

BUT, I'm not going to write about this show. Because I want to write about my new NEW favorite show, and by favorite I mean, my favorite train wreck of a show: Momma's Boys on NBC.  It's not the best produced show I've ever seen, but I don't care. I'm hooked. WHY? Hmm. Good question. I'm not really even sure why myself. I think it's because I can actually already understand the concern these mom's have as their son's go gaga over these cheesy chicks. There's one mom in particular that's making the ratings great because she went on camera and said she doesn't want anyone but a "white girl" (that includes girls with "big butts" apparently) for her precious Jo-Jo. Well, much to her dismay the producers, er, her son, chose the one (black) girl in the house that she cannot stand. Game on!  

To make matters worse, her poor son can't even get any action because his psycho mom barged in while he was making out with one of the girls. She literally made them get out of the pool and told the girl that if she wants to get on her good side, she needs to stop kissing her son. This woman is nuts but I kind of get it.... It's her baby and suddenly, dealing with teething and temper tantrums seems alright in comparison... 

So, Baby-Ko, please stay like this forever. If not, then please don't ever like blonde girls with lots of make up and fake boobies.... Unless you want me joining in hot tub action. And in 20 years from now, I can't promise that'll be pretty... 

UNTAG ME!

Facebook is my crack.  I know... I admit it...  I used to talk a lot of shit about friends (and husbands) who seemed overly obsessed with status updating, reconnecting with old friends (and flames) and playing silly games like Scrabbulous or throwing monkeys at each other (or some other ridiculous FB application).  But I get it!  I'm addicted too now.  I've got over 200 friends (Tyler Florence included) and I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I think I'm finally cool. :-)

HOWEVER, one thing NOT so "cool" about me and Facebook: the photos that my so-called friends have decided to upload of me!  Sure, it's fun to take a walk down memory lane every now and again, but must I be reminded of the days of my Aquanet-ed bangs, denim shirts (oh yes), and push down socks?  Before I was cool, I was a dork. Do my new, cool, Facebook friends REALLY need to know that? I have an image to uphold! And what's worse, is that I have zero control over what photos go up. My only control is an option to "remove a tag." BUT thanks to the genius of FB, when you remove a tag, EVEEEEEEEEEEERYONE of your friends sees on their little voyeuristic, sick, twisted status update thingy.... which essentially means, if they're having a slow day at work, they can go to the photos and spend time figuring out which one is you and laugh about how hideous you used to look (not that I've done that to any of YOU, of course).

Here are a couple of photos that I have recently been tagged in....  

This one is from High School circa 1993 or 1994. It's me with all the other Drama nerds, excited about nailing a scene in "Pippin" or something... Who knows....

This second one is from like 1989 or 1990... It's me with all my BFFs. 

I'll give you a hint, my tee shirt was from Esprit....

This one was a cabin photo from summer camp (CHK!) in the mid/late 80's. I'm sure I liked one of the boys in the photo and I'm sure they did not like me... 

(It would be another few years until I had my first kiss, which incidentally occurred months after I got felt up. Go figure...)

SO, CAN YOU FIND ME????

RELAX, KID

We recently posted this video on MomLogic.com.  When I first saw it, I literally could not stop laughing.   He obviously hates puppets as much as I hate birds.

Kid Is Terrified Of Puppets - Watch more Free Videos

Yet another reason why I need to make sure I don't pass on my irrational fears to my own child!