EXPECTING

When we got to the Studio City Farmer's Market yesterday, I was feeling pretty good. T-Ko and I had our double-shots on ice in hand, Baby-Ko was in great spirits and I was feeling sort of cute ( for not having taken a shower), dressed in a long maxi dress and scarf in my hair. Walking through the stalls, bumping into all the cute LA Mommies & Daddies and their little Chloe's and Max's as we search for asparagus under 3 bucks, I felt in my element.

As I stood at the gate of the pony rides with Baby-Ko, pointing out that "the horse says 'nayyy!'," a Tall Daddy, taking pictures of his daughter on one of the ponies started up a conversation with me.
"Aw, he's so cute!"
"Thank you."
"He's about what- 9, 10 months old?"
"Yeah, 10 months."
"10 months. Such a big boy," he says nicely and adds, "AND YOU'RE EXPECTING ANOTHER ONE TOO, HUH?"

(I'll give you a moment to digest this).

I'm speechless. Under my aviators, my eyes say it all.
"NO?" He says as if this is fucking funny.
"Uh. NO." I turn away with attitude. I cannot believe it and search for T-Ko who is across the pony rides, taking pictures of us.
"Ooops," he says. "I guess I need to keep my mouth shut." UH, YA THINK???
I want to say something horrible and rude to him, but nothing comes out. All I can do is ignore him AND THEN he had the friggin nerve to tell me my arm was in his shot when he was taking a picture of his ugly little daughter when I was showing Baby-Ko the ponies.

At that point, I obviously walked away. Stunned, hurt and wanting to throw goat poop in his face, I find T-Ko and tell him what happened.
"Can you please go defend my honor?" I say half serious.
"He's an idiot, babe. Ignore it."
"This seriously just ruined my day."
"Don't let it...." and adds, "I guess you won't be wearing that dress again though."

HA. HA. HA. Jerk.

Needless to say, my diet is in back in full effect today and anything with an empire waist is going in the trash. Or at least being saved for the next time I'm REALLY pregnant....

AN OFFER I CAN'T REFUSE

Lately, I have been thinking about going back to work. But with a baby, there are so many factors to consider. I can't "just write" because, well, I can't " just get paid."  I can't go back to working in reality television because I worked 12 to 18 hours a day.  And I can't get a "real job" in finance or something like that because, well, I studied Acting in college.  I'm not screwed, I just need the RIGHT job (that gets me out of my sweats and tank tops and into normal people clothes again) to come along. 

Well, I got this email today and while it's greatly different from the "Job Opportunity" type emails I typically get from NYU Alumni, it does sound promising:

Dear Friend,

I have a project I want you to run with us. It involves exportation of 100,000 barrels of crude oil daily from Kirkuk, Iraq.

If you are interested, email me via: ******.com

Mr. Yan.

****

Dear Mr. Yan,

Thank you so much in your interest in working with me. I know very little about crude oil but am intrigued by the position nonetheless. I have a few questions regarding the position and hope that you'll be able to provide me with some details:

1) Can I "run" crude oil from home?

2) I will need about an hour (every half hour) to do something "baby related," will that work for you?

3) Can I have Thursdays off? I have a pre-existing obligation in which I cannot get out of. (Also, Wacky does not give refunds).

4) Do you offer health benefits? I've only had one abnormal pap.

5) Will crude oil ruin my nails? I recently got "pink and whites" and it wasn't cheap.

Once again, I appreciate your email and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sincerely,

J-Ko

***

I of course told T-Ko about this exciting job opportunity and he said if it means we won't have to pay $89 bucks to fill up my car anymore, I should take it and added, "Kirkuk's nice in the fall." 

You're right, babe. PLUS, it would mean I could actually wear all those cute work clothes just sitting in my closet. This MIGHT be an offer, I CAN'T REFUSE...

A PERFECT MESS

I used to be a planner. Organized. On top of it. Type-A. Of course, I wasn't PERFECT, but in general I felt put together. Well today, I felt like the DISHEVELED FACTOR was at an all time high and it made me yearn for the old J-Ko... The J-Ko that didn't feel like a complete MESS....

I finally got in the shower at 2:30pm.

And I got out at 2:32pm.

I officially lost all my contacts on my cell phone. 

Apparently no one "can hear me now."

Target wouldn't take my return.

Apparently I've already maxxed out my return without a receipt quota. 

I got poop on my finger trying to change Baby-Ko's diaper amidst a temper tantrum. 

Yes. Poop.

They were out of brown rice at Trader Joe's.  

That's like Subway running out of subs.

The dry cleaners STILL didn't get the spot out.

Apparently they don't use SOAP at the "environmentally friendly" cleaners.

No matter how much I swept, Baby-Ko found at least 3 dust balls.

And he ate at least 5.

I hit a parked car. 

And did some damage.

Yes, today was "one of those days...."  

Of course, I did give Baby-Ko his first spaghetti and sauce and he loved it....

Now THAT, is a perfect mess...

HUNGER

4 days down. 26 more to go. 

Yesterday for lunch I had a bowl of soup and four, I repeat FOUR (low sodium) wheat thins. Today for lunch I had a whole wheat english muffin with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter, and 1 TEASPOON of honey. For a snack, I got an apple and swift kick in the vag. 

I think I've been punked.

Look, I promise not to only write about this diet for the next twenty-six-starvation-filled-days. But tonight, as I checked the assigned menu once, then twice, then went BACK to the original email of instructions to see if there was a dessert or even a piece of fucking fruit that the "Diet Guru" perhaps FORGOT to include on my menu, I realized that writing about anything other than food was not going to happen.  

Although, I suppose I could write about this afternoon when my CELL PHONE fell out of my  jeans back pocket and RIGHT into the TOILET. Of course, that's not a very appetizing topic either... 

MONDAY MONDAY

8:45am. My phone rings. It's DH. I try to sound like I'm not sleeping, but I am. Baby-Ko was UP for the day at 5am and went down for an early morning  nap. Subsequently, mommy went down for a nap then too.  DH tells me that he has some news he thinks I may want to hear.... 

MICHAEL BUBLE IS NOW SINGLE.  

"Seriously?" I say.

"Yes, just heard it. Thought you may get a kick out of that. Sorry I woke you."

"No. That's okay. This is so exciting."

"I figured you could blog about it."

"Oh, I will. And I'll also have to figure out what to do about T-Ko," I joke... Kind of. I mean, Michael Buble IS already on my "list."

In other Hollywood news, T-Ko just told me Jimmy Kimmel and Sara Silverman split. "Apparently she WAS fucking Matt Damon." :-)

****

I started my 30 Day/ 30 Minute plan today. The exercise portion for today was a walk/jog/ run challenge with the stroller...  Jesus Christ, I am out of shape.  My  "jog" and my "run" are not so different from one another these days. I'm pretty sure the people at the park were not able to distinguish the two.  As for the food part of the diet, I had zero pangs of hunger until dinner hit. Tonight's menu was this chicken and whole wheat pasta dish. But before you go thinking "pasta? what kind of a diet allows 'pasta'??" let me make clear how much pasta I was actually able to eat: 1/2 cup. Do you know how much a 1/2 cup is? It's like 10 tubes of penne. Trust me, I counted. And let me tell you, when one of those penne tubes fell on the floor, I nearly cried. Then I picked it up and ate it. (The 5 second rule is SO in effect during diet days).

****

My Nana came and spent the day with us and stayed for dinner. T-Ko, my Mom and Aunt N joined. It's always so nice to spend time with Nana, especially when she seeks love advice.... (As you may recall a few months ago she became friends with a newly widowed man who told her that they were not an "item.") 

Nana:  I think I have scared H away.

Me:  Why?

Nana:  Well, I had him over for some supper last Wednesday and we were talking... He told me that he was very upset- that he had been diagnosed with the first stages of prostate cancer and he was very concerned and wanted to talk about it.

Mom:  That's sad.

Nana: He said that the doctor told him he couldn't have sex anymore... and I said, 'well, at our age who needs to have sex anyway. You can have 'talk sex.'

Me: You mean "Phone sex."

Nana: Well, sure. But not on the phone. Just at the table.

All: At the table?? (Laughter)

Aunt: Is there any affection between you?

Nana: Well, we held hands at the movies. But you see, he is also seeing another woman.

T-Ko: Oooh.

Mom:  YOU are the "other woman."

Nana: I think so. Because then at temple we just waved and didn't talk.

J-Ko: Was this before or after you had him over for dinner. 

Nana: Before. But when he was over for supper I said, it's okay that we're friends but sometimes I need a hug.

All: Oy.

J-Ko: So did he hug you?

Nana: Yes, he gave me a nice hug and then left for the evening. 

Aunt: Has he called?

Nana: No. And that was on Wednesday.

Mom: Well, have you called him?

T-Ko: Someone should really check. Maybe he died.

Laughter.

J-Ko: No, seriously. Maybe your cioppino made him sick. 

Mom: You should call him mom.

J-Ko/T-Ko: No! She should not call him. 

T-Ko: I think if you don't hear from him you should move on...

J-Ko: Sorry, Nana. He's just not that into you.

T-Ko: You should call his other old broad. Get a little Leisure World three-way going. 

All: Ewwwww!

J-Ko: That would definitely kill him. 

***

DRESS HELL

It's pretty depressing when the best and most flattering dress in your closet is a MATERNITY one (but just for the record, it is a Dianne Von Furstenberg and it's fucking gorgeous.). I wore it all last summer when we had an event one weekend after the next and I was ten thousand months pregnant. But now, Mommy is not preggers and is in need of some major dress action.... We have a black tie wedding next weekend and a bar mitzvah the weekend after that, and then in October (yes, it's still 3 months away but still), we are going back to Maui for my brother in law's wedding (complete with rehearsal dinners and all). 

So after taking Baby-Ko to his favorite park today, I decided to go to my favorite "park" (a.k.a. Nordstrom) and do a little shopping... But let me just say this: the days of trying on clothes, and standing in front of the mirror and examining every last curve and detail are a thing of the past, my friends. Now, as I try to hoist my TWTs into slinky dresses (that will without a doubt require maximum strength Spanx), I ALSO must keep an eye out for Baby-Ko who feels quite at home on the floor of the dressing room .... acting as a human lint brush as he rolls around, using his fine motor skills  to pick up shmutz. (Honestly though, his pincer grasp technique is quite impressive. He could pick up a piece of dust if he wanted to). ANYWAY, fortunately my Aunt N was with me and to help entertain Baby-Ko and "yay/nay" dresses as I sped through try-ons.  After about 12 dresses, in 12 different sizes ("designer" dresses do run smaller right?SAY "RIGHT," bitches),  I found a nice and affordable BCBG dress in navy with black trim that can work for both the Bar Mitzvah and formal wedding.... And on my way out, spotted (and bought) a darling Anna Sui scarf print chiffon dress perfect for Maui that was marked down ten times and covered all potential areas of back fat. Mommy scored.

Feeling very lucky (and perhaps insane), I then went on to do the dumbest thing: I decided to try on old dresses in my closet AFTER dinner. Obviously, I realize that the 8 pound tire around my waist did not occur within the 10 minutes that I devoured my turkey dog (with grilled onions, pickles and chips) from The Stand. But I didn't think it would stop EVERY single fucking dress with a zipper from working (okay, from FITTING).   Your back is not fatter. It's just different. Being pregnant made you different. From head to toe.

Well, I don't want to feel "different" anymore. So Monday, ladies and gentlemen, mama's gonna start watching it. I have signed up for this 30day/30 minute fitness plan and I do expect to see results. There are, however, some things on my body that may stay "different" forever. But, man, if this chick could make my feet one size smaller again, I'm pretty sure I could find a fabulous pair of shoes for both occasions... Okay, maybe two pairs....

TAG, I'M IT!

I'm a huge sucker for those emails that ask you all sorts of (tame) personal questions like "what's your favorite color," "Favorite time of day," "What is your favorite city," etc... and then you have to forward it on to all your friends and copy the person that sent it to you. WELL, apparently, in the blog world, there's similar thing called getting "Tagged" in which one blogger answers a 6 question "Meme" (look this one up, because i still don't know what the f it means) and then forwards or "tags" another blogger to answer the same question.

Tonight I got the chance to catch up on reading all my favorite blogs and saw that I had been "tagged" by Taiwan Lucy...  (Thanks, Jackie!)   Rules: Each player posts the answers about themselves, then tags five people to the same at the end of the post.

So here's my answers...

What were you doing ten years ago?

Ten years ago I had just graduated with a B.F.A. in Acting/Theater from NYU Tisch School of the Arts.  I lived in Boston that summer (oy, is that a long story) and was totally lost. By November of 1998, I was back in NYC though, sharing an apartment with two girls I hardly knew,  living in a room that was literally 10 ft by 10ft, and waitressing at a restaurant on Park Ave. called City Crab. Ironically, I hate crab.

Five items on my "To-Do" List:

Just 5?! Jeez. Let's see...

1) Baby proof the house!.... gate to the kitchen, outlets, toilets, fasten shelves and armoire to the wall, everything.

2) Drop off dry cleaning. Seriously. 

3) Lose 7 pounds by yesterday. Okay, at least by October (going back to Maui for my brother in-law's wedding)

4) Research and sign up for a music class or My Gym with Baby-Ko.

5) Get Baby-Ko's new car seat installed.

Snacks I Enjoy:

-Peanut-butter filled pretzels from TJ's. (4 grams of fat for 11 pretzels. Yes, I look at that bag often!)

-Granola bars

-Diet coke

-Iced Coffee  (I'm trying to diet, people!)

-whatever Baby-Ko doesn't finish at his meal (shredded cheese, sweet potato, cheerios... you name it).

Places I Would Live:

-Paris

-Malibu

-Healdsburg 

-Chicago (spring only)

-Surrey, England... just outside of London (where Kate Winslet's house was in "The Holiday". Love!)

What would I do if I were a billionaire?

-Share it with family and friends

-Become more philanthropic... find a cause or start an organization that was near and dear to my heart

-Take T-Ko to all the Four Seasons that we have seen on the website and said, "One day..."

-Finish my novel... Write/direct a short film... Be more creative!! (I suppose I could do that all now, but it seems like money would make it a lot easier!)

Jobs I've Had: 

Not in any particular order...

-Production Assistant

-Camp Counselor

-Nanny

-Cashier at a Pizza Stand

-Television Producer

-Gift wrapper at Williams Sonoma

-Salesperson at Pottery Barn

-Waitress... waitress... waitress...

So glad T-Ko decided to dominate the TV playing X-Box tonight. This was fun. So, I TAG:

Go Nicole Yourself,  Simon Metz, Creative Type Dad,  Self Made Mom, and Alli B! (You don't have a blog yet, but you should!)

THE MARRIED BACHELORETTE- THE FINAL ROSE

Sure, I could blog about the woman today at Babies R Us who said "Ooh-ew" when Baby-Ko sneezed in her direction... or I could talk about the advice I gave to my Grandmother regarding her love life... or I could talk about a 52 year old contestant named Yoko on "American Gladiators" who got her ass kicked by Crush and will need more then just a bone density test the next time she sees her doctor....

BUT NO. I'm not going to talk about any of that. WHY? WHY?? Because it was the season finale of "The Bachelorette" and was as delicious as the meatloaf that I made for dinner. By the way, I know I sound like I'm a "take out/ defrost it" kind of a mom, but believe it or not, I'm Susie fucking home-maker. But I digress...

Okay, so tonight, Deanna brought snowboarder Jesse and cute daddy Jason to meet her big fat hick Greek family. Jason and Jesse showed up at the same time and without a doubt, Jason stole the show while Jesse (who's new haircut looked really good actually) just seemed like a fish out of water. Speaking of water, I hate to sound bitchy and I know those in glass houses blah blah blah... but did anyone else catch a glimpse of Deanna's ass in a bikini? Look, I personally think she is beautiful and looks fantastic, but her body (as far as typical "Bachelor" bodies go) seemed thicker than normal. That said, she is NORMAL and she probably just put on a few pounds due to all the boozing they do on their dates. Hello, bloating.

ANYWAY, at the final rose ceremony, as Jason got out of his limo and started to do his little run/skip towards Deanna, I got a little nervous. I'm not sure if it was that his suit pants looked a little too short (a big ugly no-no for me) OR if it was when when T-Ko looked up from his computer and said, "What's wrong with this dude?"
"Stop. He's my guy," I warned.

But Jason got down on his knee and Deanna STOPPED him. I GASPED. I mean, I've mentioned before that I actually used to work in reality television so I can smell BS a mile a way, but guess what, mommy was 100% convinced that Jason was the one. But apparently, I have mush for brain like the rest of America.... When Jason hugged her goodbye and whispered in her ear, I had to replay it like ten times to hear what he said. I'm pretty sure he said "I'll miss you, " but T-Ko said, "you know what he said? 'Yo Soy Pequena Amy Winehouse.'" (Clearly, T-Ko does not understand the severity of Deanna's decision tonight but you really should do yourself a favor and check out http://www.boingboing.net/2008/03/08/la-pequena-amy-wineh.html)

When Jesse proposed to Deanna with "Will you spend forever with me?" I was a little shocked, but she seemed genuinely happy and in love. As Jason gave his final thoughts in the limo though, I was sad. But guess what, Jason's going back to sleepless in Seattle and that guy's gonna get more you know what thrown at him than he will know what to do with. So I'm feeling less and less sad for him by the second. Mark my words, they'll probably be some spin-off show with Jason, where he'll be set up with a dozen other single mom's all in the hopes of finding love, blah blah blah. In the meantime, Jason, if you read this, go on J-Date. Doesn't matter if you're not Jewish. Plenty of nice girls, ready to settle down who want someone "safe AND fun." Although, I would suggest letting out the hem on your suit pants first... My girls tend to be a particular bunch....

HANDS-FREE. YEAH, RIGHT.

As if I wasn't disheveled enough, now I have to obide by the new HANDS-FREE LAW that became effective in the state of California TODAY. This law prohibits all drivers from using handheld wireless telephones while operating a motor vehicle. AWESOME. So instead of simply answering my phone, reaching back to give Baby-Ko a pacifier AND honk at the idiot who could have made ten left turns by now, (a sequence of events that I have so gracefully mastered in the past 9 months), NOW I have to find the EAR PIECE somewhere in the abyss that is my purse, answer the phone, reach back to give Baby-Ko the pacifier AND honk at the idiot who still hasn't turned left because SHE TOO is looking for her fucking ear piece.

Look, I realize the point of an ear piece is to have it in your ear always, BEFORE you actually need the phone, so you're not fishing around for it frantically WHILE you drive. But a) I think those people that walk around with their blue tooth in all the time look like douches and b) I have a hard enough time wearing small earrings without Baby-Ko trying to yank them out. AND YES, I realize that this law was designed to protect people and is probably going to save many lives, especially since it prohibits minors from texting (which I'm sure they are not "LOL"ing about). But for me personally, it's going to make life just a little more complicated... It's going to make me feel even more unorganized and unkempt than I already do.

So from now on, if any of you call me (mom), and I don't answer, do not take it personally. This time I'm not actually screening your call...

**
In other news, I am re-committing to working out again and dragged my fat ass to the gym this afternoon. Earlier in the day though, Brian Austin Green (a.k.a. David from the OG "90210") was in line behind me today at Koo-Koo Roo. He was with this really cute girl who Baby-Ko was of course smiling at and flirting with. When we both got up to the register she leaned in and said "Ooh! So Squshy!" I can assume she meant Baby-Ko and not my ass right???