March 24, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement please....


I do believe a "mazel tov" and even a "l'chaim" are due. The List God's Nanny is here today and along with getting some writing done and going to Target, getting my fat ass to the gym was high on my priority list. NOW, before you go burning my spanks, I suppose I need to come clean about my little "fitness routine" at the gym today...

Even though the Nanny is here, I didn't want to be gone too long so I decided to go to the ghetto gym closer to my house. The other one I usually go to isn't exactly fancy, but it's always crowded... Every machine is taken by gorgeous wannabe actors and actresses with killer bods. I used to go to that one and feel inspired, but this morning, trying to stuff my tribeswoman tits into my sports bra, was all the inspiration I needed. (More on breastfeeding in another post... maybe).

When I get to the ghetto gym, a wave of nervousness comes over me. First of all, it's packed. Second of all, there are young, good-looking people here. What the fuck?! Wannabe's don't live this far out in the valley! I spot an open treadmill behind a great big post, next to the only elderly person in the gym. I push the "manual workout" button and it automatically sets the clock for 20 minutes. Perfect, that's all I got in me. (Shut up, I walked fast. Very fast. Up hill... )

After my 20-minute fat-man-heart-attack-walk, I grab my belongings and jump off the treadmill. Behind my treadmill was a row of old school Stairmasters.... This guy gives me a look and then looks at my treadmill, as if to say "you were only on for 20 minutes? Seriously??" Quickly, I spot an open bicycle and leap towards it, hoping this guy sees me get on it, as if to say, "fuck you. I'm far from done with my workout."

As I start pedaling, I realize how lame I am... especially because I'm only going to put in another 5 minutes. (I have a lot to do today!) My 5 minutes are up before my Ipod even shuffles to another song and I jump off. Yes! Time to hit Target. Workout complete. I grab my purse and as I stand up, I feel more stares from all the women on the precor machines. "5 Minutes?! You really think you'll lose your MUFFIN TOP working out like a stroke victim after 5 minutes?"

Whatever. I have a baby at home whose need for diapers is far more important than fulfilling the recommended 30 minutes of cardio a day... I think. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding. I've heard a breastfeeding woman can burn like 600 calories a day- that's equivalent to a spin class. Precor, THAT, bitches.

March 16, 2008


I think it goes without saying that when you have a child, there is nothing you wouldn't do to protect them... to keep them safe and out of harm's way no matter what is your duty as a parent. I knew I had this lay-down-in-the-street-to-protect-my-child instinct, but I didn't really know how sharp this skill was until the other night....

We decided to meet our good friends Charlie* and Sara* and their 13 month old at the Stand for an early Saturday night dinner. We figured the Stand, which is a Hot dog restaurant in the valley, would be easiest with the babies. (By the way, not kidding about early. We met at 5:30. I felt like my grandmother. ) Anyway, just a quick backstory on Charlie and Sara, so that you can get the full gist of my delightful tale.... Right before I met T-Ko, he was actually DATING Sara. They went to college together. It wasn't a very long relationship but they did sleep together. In fact, she was the last person he had sex with before me. (We've been together almost 8 years. Ha ha). Anyway, after they broke up, and he and I started dating, we would still see her and her new boyfriend (Charlie) because we had a friend in common. Now, normally I'm totally opposed to the "friends with an ex-girlfriend" thing, but I never felt threatened by Sara... I always liked her and actually wanted to be her friend. And as it turned out T-Ko liked Charlie too.... Most people can't believe that we're all so cool about it, but it's really never been awkward or weird. Several years, weddings, and babies later, they are our "go-to" couple and very close friends.

Now back to the real story...

So, I ordered an awesome hot dog with the works and Baby-Ko was fortunately content with sucking on his sleeve, which allowed me to wolf down it down a little slower than my usual caveman way. After I finished, I purelled my hand and picked up my boy. He's completely lunging and grabbing everything these days (in the hopes of putting whatever he's grabbing for in his mouth) so I made sure to wipe down the table seeing as how neon relish and chili are just a few stages ahead of the rice cereal he had started on THAT morning.

Baby-Ko started getting restless after he realized that he would never get his hands on my diet coke no matter how hard he tried, so Charlie tried to distract him. He picked up Baby-Ko and put him on his lap. Charlie made a silly face and sound and Baby-Ko lit up. But after a minute or so, Baby-Ko got bored and started to whine and this is when IT happened....

I turn to Charlie to relieve him of my fussy baby when suddenly, I see Baby-Ko's eyes meet a piece of RAW ONION on Charlie's lap. Without missing a beat, my hand intercepts Baby-Ko's hand and I SWIPE my hand (palm FULLY DOWN) across Charlie's CROTCH.

Phew. I saved my ....

WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO? Charlie and I look at each other. I gasp.
"Oh! My god!! I'm so sorry!! I didn't mean to..." I say laughing hard.
"No, no, that's fine," he says laughing too.
"What did you do?" T-Ko asks.
"She just grabbed my package basically," Charlie says joking.
"I guess, WE'RE EVEN!" We all laugh hard.

Outside in the parking lot, as I'm taking Baby-Ko out of the Snap N' Go (which has officially fucking ruined my new manicure), I consider what the "hand job" I just gave Charlie really means... I mean, if a raw vegetable could ignite this mother bear instinct, I can only imagine what I'd do in an even more dangerous situation...

We load the baby into the car and I hug Sara and apologize for "grabbing your husband's junk."
Charlie teases, "I've still got a semi." We laugh.
T-Ko adds, "I'm glad someone's getting action around here." Ahh, leave it to my husband to bring us back to reality.

*Shh. Their real names are a secret :-)