March 24, 2008


Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement please....


I do believe a "mazel tov" and even a "l'chaim" are due. The List God's Nanny is here today and along with getting some writing done and going to Target, getting my fat ass to the gym was high on my priority list. NOW, before you go burning my spanks, I suppose I need to come clean about my little "fitness routine" at the gym today...

Even though the Nanny is here, I didn't want to be gone too long so I decided to go to the ghetto gym closer to my house. The other one I usually go to isn't exactly fancy, but it's always crowded... Every machine is taken by gorgeous wannabe actors and actresses with killer bods. I used to go to that one and feel inspired, but this morning, trying to stuff my tribeswoman tits into my sports bra, was all the inspiration I needed. (More on breastfeeding in another post... maybe).

When I get to the ghetto gym, a wave of nervousness comes over me. First of all, it's packed. Second of all, there are young, good-looking people here. What the fuck?! Wannabe's don't live this far out in the valley! I spot an open treadmill behind a great big post, next to the only elderly person in the gym. I push the "manual workout" button and it automatically sets the clock for 20 minutes. Perfect, that's all I got in me. (Shut up, I walked fast. Very fast. Up hill... )

After my 20-minute fat-man-heart-attack-walk, I grab my belongings and jump off the treadmill. Behind my treadmill was a row of old school Stairmasters.... This guy gives me a look and then looks at my treadmill, as if to say "you were only on for 20 minutes? Seriously??" Quickly, I spot an open bicycle and leap towards it, hoping this guy sees me get on it, as if to say, "fuck you. I'm far from done with my workout."

As I start pedaling, I realize how lame I am... especially because I'm only going to put in another 5 minutes. (I have a lot to do today!) My 5 minutes are up before my Ipod even shuffles to another song and I jump off. Yes! Time to hit Target. Workout complete. I grab my purse and as I stand up, I feel more stares from all the women on the precor machines. "5 Minutes?! You really think you'll lose your MUFFIN TOP working out like a stroke victim after 5 minutes?"

Whatever. I have a baby at home whose need for diapers is far more important than fulfilling the recommended 30 minutes of cardio a day... I think. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding. I've heard a breastfeeding woman can burn like 600 calories a day- that's equivalent to a spin class. Precor, THAT, bitches.

No comments: