January 11, 2011

OPEN LETTERS TO LOUD NEIGHBORS, "NO STRINGS ATTACHED," LADY GAGA AND MORE...

Dear Neighbors,

I'm starting to think you are covert spies and/or are running from the law, because shredding papers at 3:51am is just plain shady. Btw, does your cat wear heels?

Love,

Me



Dear Lady Gaga,

Congratulations. You have a new fan: Me. You can thank my 3 year old son for enjoying how "koo koo" you are and loving "Telephone." He... er, we're hooked.

Love,

Me



Dear Neighborhood Dog,

I can't blame you because you'd poop just about anywhere if you could, so if you could please pass this kind letter along to your owner, that'd be swell. Tell him this: Los Angeles is a real big city, would you mind taking your smushy, stinky, white- turded dog in for a bowel check-up? Something is just not right. OH, and if you would have your eyes checked out too, that'd be great. The last time I checked, my lawn was not meant to be a poo cemetery.

Love,

Me



Dear "No Strings Attached" Producers,

Cute concept... "friendship with benefits." But can we get real for one sec? a) Why are romantic comedies these days always about a gorgeous, successful guy head over heels for a gorgeous, successful girl who's too caught up in her life to want to be anything more than friends? I call BULLSHIT. In my life, I have yet to see that happen to anyone I know. Isn't always the opposite? And b) the tag line on the billboard: "Can Sex Friends Stay Best Friends." Yah. Um, okaaay. I'm no relationship expert, clearly, but isn't it much harder to stay "Sex Friends" when you're comfortable as "best friends?" Clearly Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore don't have a lot of ice cream and "The Office" reruns in bed nights.

Love,

Me


Dear Pretzel Stick,

Yes, it's a "carb free" day. But would you rather get stale and rot? Deal with it.

Love,

Me


Dear Massage Therapist,

Your hands were miracle workers and you gave one of the best massages I ever had this weekend. However, might I suggest that the next time you lean in to knead out a knot in someone's shoulder's, you make sure their hand isn't accidentally cupping your nuts as they fade into blissdom? Talk about slippage...

Love,

Me


Dear Neighbors,

Oh, I forgot to ask: Do you own a drawer factory up there? Please find what you're looking for and move on.

Love,

Me


4 comments:

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I agree about the No Strings Attached thing. I guess that's what makes a funny movie, but ... use a REALISTIC storyline for once!

And a white-pooping dog? Mine poops rainbow sometimes, but only when she's eaten the kids' crayons. And only in our own yard. :)

Truthful Mommy said...

Bwahahaha! Everyone of these cracked me up. I must say I'd have to kick that nasty little beast shitting in my yard. Me no likey. I have a dog and dog poop should stay in assigned areas ( the back yard) where people aren't forced to look at it:) Then,for the love of God, people get a pooper scooper!
Lady Gaga is a staple in our house. Every time we have "Rock Band Night" the girls want to sing nothing but Lady Gaga.They know all the words and there is something adorable abt littles singing Gaga.
About your shady neighbors, I'd say there's no good going on there..for sure:)Lock the doors!LOL

My Bottle's Up! said...

HILAR!!!!!!

Alli C. said...

U cupped the massage therapist's nuts??? waa? lol. Please explain